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Movies That Should Not Be Musicals

 

It was recently announced that Little Miss Sunshine will be developed into a musical via the Sundance Institute which hosts a workshop to develop theatrical projects which has led to the recent limited run of American Idiot in San Francisco which was based on the Green Day album by the same name. This got me wondering; especially due to the cyclical nature of entertainment what movie would make the worst musical and conversely the worst film adaptation of that musical.

Schindler's List

If you think about the storyline and the scenes that take place in this film the poignancy is such that it can only be adequately expressed cinematically. The melancholy strains of Itzhak Perlman's violin say all that needs saying and having vocal accompaniment to it seems unnecessary. Likewise having song breakout in some scenes seems bathetic. Moreover, the film is a cinematic masterpiece and the little girl in a red coat in a black & white world would be difficult to convey, if not impossible, and certainly of less impact on stage than on celluloid.

Rambo

This one might've even been a joke on The Critic at one point but things that were once jokes on sitcoms have found their way into reality, case in point, muffin tops. When Spiderman can be developed into a Broadway show why not John Rambo singing, so to speak, to the tune of machine gun fire. The only positive is that it'll give a terrible singer a shot and might be tongue in cheek but otherwise it would be a complete and total waste of time and money.

Spaceballs

Whether or not one liked the idea of The Producers when it first came out it did work as a musical. That was due in large part to the fact that a few of the songs ("Springtime for Hitler" and "Prisoners of Love") were lifted right from the movie as was a majority of the book. The less than stellar write-ups for Young Frankenstein have kind of derailed the Mel Brooks to Broadway train so we shouldn't have to worry about this or Blazing Saddles. So at least those are left in their better state.

Clerks

I think Kevin Smith might agree with me. It's hard to rhyme the words in his vocabulary and moreover much of the comedy might be lost save for the potential in a Jay and Silent Bob "duet." The thought of some of that dialogue on stage seems almost ludicrous. Smith might be able to make it work but I'm not seeing it and it seems crazy.

Planet of the Apes

The Simpsons gave us as much a musical rendition of this film as is necessary when they created a Dr. Zaius song to the tune of "Amadeus" in one episode. Anything else would be futile and ludicrous and as the Tim Burton remake proved there are only so many renditions of this tale that one can stomach and only so much seriousness and action can be crammed into this concept before it's rendered mind-numbing.

Brokeback Mountain

What's worse than two hours of an emotionally unsatisfying, unmoving and repressed romance? Singing for three hours about an unsatisfying, unmoving and repressed romance. Brokeback Mountain was not a terrible film but it also wasn't great and thankfully Academy voters were wise enough to pick something else as Best Picture. The awards are about honoring great art not political statements. If it happens to be both great and a political statement fine but they should be mutually exclusive. Sean Penn's win for Milk last year is a case and point, conversely Ang Lee's quoting a line from his own film proved that he just didn't get his material well enough and was more awkward than James Cameron's declaration that he was, in fact, "king of the world." Back to the musical possibility, musicals are about big emotions, about reaching a pinnacle and needing to sing because words just won't suffice. A lot of what makes Brokeback, whether you love it or hate it, is its subdued nature and the repressed element which is not conducive to song and dance.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

The reason this wouldn't work is because I think it's hard to have the criminally insane and the wrongly locked away sing and have the same amount of pathos, and sympathy for them as you have when they merely speak. There is a lot of comedy mostly provided by McMurphy that undercuts the seriousness of the situation but it is a very delicate balancing act throughout. To have the inmates sing would make it seem more like Crazy People than Cuckoo's Nest.

Forrest Gump

Unless you want to make a complete mockery of the story, which I know many people likely would, there is no way this can possibly work. Some possible song titles: "Life is Like a Box of Chocolates," "Running,""Sometimes There Just Aren't Enough Rocks,""Lieutenant Dan, You Got Legs" and many more ridiculous only somewhat intentionally funny songs.

Night of the Hunter

This is one that actually occurred to me with the extremely humorous but tonally inappropriate "I am an Evil Preacher and I've Come to Marry Your Mom," in all seriousness this is the kind of forgotten gem that would be most primed for this kind of treatment: the story is written, it's tight, it's fantastic and few have seen it so it plays into the whole "If I haven't seen it, it's new to me" notion. Watch Night of the Hunter and you'll see some of the best black & white cinematography you've seen and be riveted by the tale simultaneously. It is not glitz and glamor and ready for broadway

Stephen King's It

Another King adaptation, Carrie, was the biggest bomb in Broadway history. And while King has been long and hard at work on an original musical concept with John Mellencamp his other stories would likely be a mistake for people to take on - probably this one more so than others. Clowns can be scary and many people are scared of them… but a signing clown? Hardly. If it's not funny it'd be goofy and potentially boring and ineffective. Many people didn't like the TV adaptation, so what happens if there's a lot of singing and dancing then?