RSS
Home
A celibate marriage - the pain and the shame
Print
Email
RSS
Subscribe
"We are living in a time when it seems as if sex is used to sell everything. From laundry detergent to pancakes, from make-up to hair dye, sex sells. We are inundated with it."
I was doing a seminar on Sex, Love, and Marriage. During a break a well-dressed, pretty but nervous woman came up to talk to me. She asked if I had ever encountered a person who was living in a celibate marriage.
"I don't mean not having sex for long stretches of time because of certain problems that can be resolved. I mean never having sex, sleeping together in a bed but not being intimate for years."
I nodded my head; I had heard about it. She was talking about a celibate marriage.
We see intimacy on daytime programming, loving couples in commercials, and nighttime shows filled with happy people either in the midst of, finishing, or seriously about to have, sexual relations. Sex sells because it is a part of our minds, our egos and our physical needs. Most people not only need it they want it. This is especially true in a marriage, where one of the great joys of being with the person you have chosen to spend your life with should be sexual intimacy. The harsh reality is, however, that some married sexual relations are different from what we believe. 1 in 20 couples live their married lives in a marriage that lacks sex. Even celebrities, such as Paula Zahn and Carol Channing have spoken of being in marriages where sex with their partners was non-existent for years. This reaches across all age groups; women in their 20’s are just as likely to have a celibate marriage as women in their 50’s.
The idea that there are married women who have little or no sexual contact with their husbands seems incomprehensible to many people. While every woman expects, (and definitely should expect) frequent, fulfilling sex in her marriage, sleeping celibate in the marriage bed is more common than you think. Yet, until recently, there was very little data on women and their plight. No one spoke about it. One reason is a feeling of shame. Women, whose husbands have turned away literally as well as emotionally from their wives, have a misplaced feeling that the reason for this is that they are sexually unattractive. The common factor here is that they blame themselves for the lack of intimacy in their lives. Said one woman I interviewed for this article,
“We haven’t had sex for almost twenty years. I feel strongly that the fault lies with me. Everything else is fine in our lives; we socialize and travel, we have a good marriage but we don’t have sex. He has just stopped wanting to have sex with me. It has to be my fault; I feel ugly. This is something that I am embarrassed to discuss even with my doctor!”
There is also the anger issue, the unfairness of it all.
“In the fifteen years that we have been married, we have had sex 3 times and that was in the first year. I had almost half hoped that he was having an affair or was gay. Then I could justify him not wanting to have sex with me. But he isn’t gay and there was never an affair. I feel so hurt and incredibly angry that I am being denied something that should be a natural part of marriage.”
A celibate marriage damages a woman’s self-esteem. One woman describes her life as a “living non-entity. I am frustrated and defeated. His not wanting to have sex with me has shattered my feeling of self-worth.”
For a healthy woman who desires sex, living celibate is a torment. Talking with a doctor or sex therapist is a must for your sanity and well-being.
Joan Avna and Diana Waltz who wrote the book, Celibate Wives: Breaking the Silence, list ten reasons for the lack of sex in a marriage. Below are the top 3, all of which can be helped by medical and mental health professionals.
· 1. Mismatched sex drives, one partner having a higher or lower drive than the
other, also known as desire discrepancy disorder (DDD).
· 2. Inhibited sexual desire (ISD), loss of interest in sex due to life change or crisis
· 3. Low sex drive shared by both partner
If you are living in a celibate marriage make an appointment today to find a way to help yourself and your spouse.
related articles - Are You in a Sexless Marriage?
***© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton The above articles may not be rewritten, copied, published, broadcast, or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton.
Do you sabotage your own happiness in order to make other people in your life happy? Learn how to put your own life first!
Read Kristen Houghton's new book, "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!" due in stores 12/22/09
Pre-order it today. Available at Borders, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and all bookstores.
Related Articles:
Comments
.jpg)
The message of “A Christmas Carol” is a beautiful one for all religions and beliefs. The presents have all been wrapped and you’re …
(31).jpg)
Let’s play nice kiddies, the holidays are coming! However there are some ‘children’ who, it seems, won’t play nice even if …
- The Keys to Happiness Blog
- The Ever Elusive State of Happiness
- Now That We're Both Exhausted, Let's Have Sex!
- Sex! Murder! Infidelity! Lies! Surrogacy Gone Wrong!
- Panti-less in NYC
- Like it? Put a Ring on It ! - Monogamy Defined
- How to Have a Happy, Healthy Relationship 101
- Of Royalty, Male Heirs, and the Almighty Penis
- Meet the Other Woman in Your Extramarital Affair - His Wife
- The Importance of Make-Up Sex
- Sex With Your Ex? Maybe, Maybe Not
- Letting Go of Relationship Road Kill
- Dry Vagina or Dementia? Some Choice!
- Internet Relationships - Is It Really Cheating?
- The Greying of the Pubis
- A Long Distance Relationship Can Be Good for Both of You
- The Art Of Dealing With An Office Break-Up
- Toxic In-Laws
- All Day Foreplay? Why Not!
- Different Sex Drives - Getting in Tune With Each Other
- Creating an Emotional Relationship 101
- It Is Okay to Have a Selfish Marriage
- Solving the Conflicts of Being a Spouse and a Parent
- How to Survive Vacationing With the In-Laws
- Playtime for Adults 101
- Fighting - Do You Want to Win or Be Happy?
- The Importance of Keeping Health Records
- Run Your Relationship Like You'd Run a Business - It Works!
- Society of Professional Journalists
- National Press Club
- Writers Guild of America
