Falling out of love - break-up 101

August 31, 9:26 AMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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Your heart races, your palms sweat; being together is almost unbearable. The way your body feels is indescribable. You can't sleep, you won't eat, and all you do is think about your relationship day and night. Sounds like you're falling in love, right? Wrong! The same emotional and physical manifestations that you feel falling in love are also felt when you're falling out of love! But...wait!

Can a person who has "fallen in love" ever  really "fall out of it?" The answer is an unfortunate yes. We're not talking crushes or just thinking that you are in love. We're talking the real deal. It seems almost impossible that the same person whom you  deeply and sincerely loved can become the guy for whom you no longer have feelings. Falling out of love can be a long slow process or an overnight occurrence but the result is the undeniable - you just don't feel the same .

What causes this turn-about? Sometimes you realize that you made a mistake in choosing the relationship. The man you fell in love with may no longer be the man he was when you met him. He may have changed in ways that you hadn't anticipated.

Or maybe it is you who have changed. What you wanted in the past is no longer what you anat now. You have grown but he hasn't grown along with you. He's content with the status quo and you're not.

Perhaps he has done something that completely turned off your feelings. Addiction, alcohol, no financial support are all issues that can crush love especially if there is no hope for a positive change.

The reasons for falling out of love are as varied as falling in love. The click is no longer there and as sad as it makes you feel, you know the relationship is over. What can you do about it? The first thing to do is be practical and ask yourself some serious questions.

How do I want my life to be? What do I want now?

Am I willing to stay in a relationship that has nothing left for me?

Can I pretend "forever?"

Am I staying this for financial reasons? (e.g. shared expenses such as rent, utilities, etc.)

Is being in a relationship, any relationship, worth it just to be "part of a couple?"

 And finally, when you have established that there is absolutely nothing at all left to salvage for the two of you, ask yourself -

How can I end this without causing major hurt to the person I once truly  loved?

Be honest and open with yourself. Jot down why you want to leave and what you plan to do once you're away from the relationship. Make absolutely sure you're just "not in a rut." Relationship ruts can be fixed, lack of love can't.

Tell him. You owe it to him to let him know that you're ending the relationship; that's only fair. But be kind. You don't want to hurt him any more than is necessary. You once loved him, keep that in mind. You're not heartless

Don't be surprised. He may have fallen out of love with you! Discuss what his feelings are too. Be adult. You may be able to at least be on good terms after everything is over.

After you have left the relationship you may feel happier than you have in a long while. Take the opportunity to enjoy your freedom.

Songs, novels, poetry all attempt to teach us about falling in love. Falling out of love is something we teach ourselves.

 *** © 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton  

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Do you sabotage your own happiness in order to make other people in your life happy? Learn how to put your own life first! Read Kristen Houghton's new book, "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!"  due in stores in Fall 2009. Pre-order it today. Available at Borders, Amazon, and all bookstores.

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