How do you know when a marriage is over?

June 23, 7:50 AMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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There is probably not one person reading this who, at one time or another, has not contemplated a divorce. It happens to all of us. As we go through the seasons of our marriage there are times of bliss and love plus times of hurt and frustration. Usually love and good days outnumber the bad and we stay together. Put in sailing terms by a friend, a woman who has been sailing happily on the water and in her marriage,
“Honey there will be days of smooth sailing on peaceful seas and days of battling hurricane-like waves. Good sailors don’t abandon ship after one or two storms. They wait it out.”
When then, do we “abandon ship?” How do we know that the time has come to just give up on the marriage and go our separate ways? There are four major reasons.
Fights in a marriage can be destructive or productive. If  they’re “done right” problems can be solved. Though that may seem a strange thing to say, a good fight, a fair fight can help solve a problem that needs to be addressed. But...
If the words in fights become abusive, you create additional problems. Attacking a person’s intelligence, character, talents, dreams, sexual prowess, child-rearing, or physical characteristics, can indeed lead to divorce. Demeaning your spouse is not fighting fair nor is treating everyone, even strangers, in a more compassionate way than you treat your partner.
A problem with addiction, either alcohol or drugs, even prescription drugs, can make you seriously consider leaving. Unless you are willing to work to fix the damage and feel confident that your spouse is determined to permanently stop the addictive behavior, you may have to leave for your own health and sanity.

Your sex life; either one that is non-existent where one partner is not willing to remedy the situation to try to have a normal relationship, or a chronically cheating spouse. Both are no-win issues.
Another reason to end a marriage is that, despite your best efforts, things do not get better. Issues that somehow never got resolved, and festered for years, may have led to your decision.
No one should stay in a marriage that is constantly filled with stress and tension, unfulfilling, and detrimental to their mental and physical health. You were put on earth to live and be happy, fulfill your dreams, and to love and be loved. No one should have that taken away because they feel trapped in a marriage that no longer works.
How do you know when the marriage is truly over? Will you ever love again after a bad relationship? My friend also has a saying for those two questions.
“If you’re miserable sailing on a certain boat, then, by all means get off! That doesn’t mean that you’ll never sail on a boat again. It just means that you need to find the one where you'll be happiest.”

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© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton 

Do you put your own happiness on hold just to make other people happy? Learn how to put your life first in Kristen Houghton's new book  "And Then I'll Be Happy!"  due in stores 12/22/09 Pre-order it today.

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