His family hates me! - Relationship Reality

June 22, 7:43 AMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

Previous Next

7 comments Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Relationship Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

Hi Kristen,

I am in a situation that is ruining my health and my sanity. It may very well ruin my marriage. I can't sleep and cry every day. My hands shake and I have trouble eating. Here's the problem. I have been married for two years to a wonderful guy  but since day 1 my in-laws have been rude, cruel, and hurtful to me. They did not want their son to marry me because I am not "their kind." They wanted him to marry someone who shares their religion, beliefs, and ethnic background. They openly criticize my looks, my cooking, my career, my beliefs, and just about everything about me. The night before our wedding his family held an "intervention" to stop him from marrying me. His mother and sister have told him they pray every day for him to get a divorce. I love my husband and so far he has been on my side and defends me, but I leave their house in tears whenever we have to go there. I am also afraid that they will wear him down and he will give in to their demands to leave me. Please help! This is a major problem.

Jana

A major problem  may be an understatement here, Jana. The relationship reality is that this is a crisis that needs to be addressed immediately. You and your husband must be a united front in this situation. One positive note in your email is that your husband did marry you in spite of their "intervention" and that he defends you against them. However it will take more than just that to settle this crisis.

As unpleasant as it may be, a formal sit-down meeting with them is called for where you and your husband need to openly state that you will no longer tolerate the cruel behavior they exhibit towards you. Make sure the meeting is at your house. It may be necessary to invite an uninvolved  third party with you such as a member of the clergy. Then do the following -

• Once everyone is there, establish ground rules; each person has their say without any interruption (you as well as your in-laws)
• The very first statement should come from your husband who must let them know immediately that he loves you and there isn't going to be any divorce.
• Secondly, he needs to firmly state that their actions hurt him very much.
• They must be told clearly and with no room for misunderstanding, that neither of you will tolerate their behavior any longer.
• Listen to what they have to say without emotion (this is the hard part) then ask if the situation can be fixed and how.
• If you see that you are getting nowhere fast, end the meeting. You and your husband need to discuss other actions as a solution to this stress.

Married couples have always had in-law problems and most can be solved by compromise and honest efforts on both sides. But when the problems are as severe as yours are, stronger measures must be taken and they must be taken by your husband. He should let them know in no uncertain terms that if  they continue their cruelty towards his wife he will break off all ties with them because his marriage to you is the most important thing in his life. He must stick to this no matter what they say. No one should be forced to live with all this stress. If all parties cannot act in a courteous manner towards each other then there is nothing more to be said or done.

Your marriage and your life together must come first.

***

related articles - Toxic In-Laws

Kristen's "Relationship Reality" appears every Monday in the Examiner

© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton 

Do you put your own happiness on hold just to make other people happy? Learn how to put your life first in Kristen Houghton's new book  "And Then I'll Be Happy!"  due in stores 12/22/09 Pre-order it today.