Dealing with the loss of a pet

May 27, 10:55 AMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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Relationships are not just between a man and a woman. We have relationships with children and with our pets too. Sometimes it falls to us to help a child deal with the passing of a beloved four-footed family member. We need to be careful in our explanations.

A friend, whose elderly, beloved old yellow Labrador, Good Dog, had passed away told her four year old son that “Good Dog went to live with Susan (her friend) for a while.” The problem was that she told him this without telling her friend. As fate would have it, Susan ran into them at the post office and the first thing the child asked  was why Good Dog wanted to live with her. He then wanted to know when he could see Good Dog. Susan was clueless but had the presence of mind to let mom handle the awkward moment.

Dealing with the passing of a well-loved pet is usually a small child’s first experience with death. It is hard because it is permanent. Children only know that their animal family member is no longer in their daily lives. How can we explain something as profound as death to a child when we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with it ourselves?

My friend was acting in a kind, protective manner to her son by saying that his dog was living with a friend, but it was momentary comfort because inevitably, the child would want to come and visit Good Dog. How should we tell our children about this topic? What will they understand?

Age plays a key role in talking to children about any subject. A child of ten or older is worldlier when it comes to certain topics. They may have studied the ancient Egyptians and the elaborate tombs of the Pharaohs in a social studies class, thus having some concept of life and after-life.

But a child under the age of seven doesn’t really comprehend permanent loss. When a little girl told me that a relative was in heaven, she was only parroting what adults had told her. She followed her statement up a second later with the question, “What’s heaven?”

There is no right or wrong way to talk to your child about this. Everything is subjective and personal beliefs play a major role in our explanations. If your family is deeply religious and strongly believes in an afterlife, then it is possible to gently explain the situation. Children are comforted by beliefs that play a major role in their family life.

Be prepared that your child may also question whether you yourself, or other family members, are going to die. This fear becomes strong in children after the loss of a pet. Choose words carefully.

Whatever you tell your child; be gentle in your explanation. Talk about the good times your child had with their pet. Don’t be brutally honest. They do not need to know that their pet suffered in any way. Long explanations are unnecessary; answer only the questions that they ask and answer kindly.

Children are great listeners to adult conversation, so be careful what you say to another adult when you think the children are too busy to hear you.

Be respectful of even the youngest child’s grieving process. Children need to mourn the loss of their pet. Do not “replace” their beloved pet. Take time before you bring a new animal family member into your home.

For the latest on relationships subscribe to Kristen Houghton’s column. Add a comment here or email me at:  kch@kristenhoughton.com

Kristen Houghton is the author of "And Then I'll Be Happy!"  due in stores 12/22/09

Pre-order it today.