The cheating heart

February 4, 7:09 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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With Valentine Day just around the corner I thought this would be an appropriate time to talk about hearts, cheating ones that is. What, exactly, besides actual physical contact, constitutes cheating?

A former president, Jimmy Carter, once told the press that while he had never physically cheated on his wife Rosalind, he had cheated in his heart. Because of his religion, he felt that was the same deal as “real” cheating.

When my husband and I were first engaged I remember having gone out with another newly engaged couple for a celebratory dinner. On the way to the restaurant, during dinner, after dinner, and on the way home, the male of the other couple was constantly looking at other women and making appreciative comments about their various bodily attributes. His fiancée was, to say the least, very upset. I was upset and I wasn’t even engaged to the idiot!

Later, in front of his fiancée he told us about this “really hot gentlemen's club” and of course added descriptions of all the women there.

“What’s wrong with that guy?” I later asked my fiance`. “He’s a total degenerate!"

“He’s mind-cheating,” said my husband-to-be.

“And that means?” I asked.

“He’s not focusing on her. You know my thought is if he finds other women that attractive, why did he get engaged to her? There’s something called love you know. Obviously he doesn't get it."

Over the years, cheating has gotten more sophisticated through use of the internet. Some men and some women not only view pornography on the Web but engage in “Net Sex.” While most couples see it as a definite form of cheating, there are a few who see it as just a little harmless fun that hurts no one. How wrong they are! A colleague of mine showed me some of the Net Sex messages between her husband and another woman. It was so totally explicit that they may as well have been having physical contact.

There is nothing wrong with looking at and admiring attractive people. Let’s face it, women don’t watch Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez just to see a homerun and men don’t sit through a film just to hear the sexy accents of Kate Winslet or Catherine Zeta-Jones. We are human after all. But we don’t compare our partner unfavorably to them or have heavy Net Sex with them either. There’s the difference.

Cheating hurts, make no mistake about that. It deflates our self-esteem because we see ourselves, sexually and physically, through the eyes of the person who is our beloved. Cheating is a serious pain that makes a person feel unwanted and undesirable.

So as Valentine Day approaches, think of hearts, loving ones that is, not cheating ones.Take a really good look at your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Appreciate attractive men and women the way we appreciate fine art work; at a distance. And remember the words to one of Billy Joel’s best songs.

“I love you just the way you are…”

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© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton 

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