Different sex drives? how to get what you need

January 7, 8:26 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

Previous Next

Comment Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Relationship Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

In the past, society believed that the male was the partner who craved sexual activity in a marriage much more than the woman. This belief was erroneously created by medical science and reinforced by doctors and clergy. It was a great disservice to women who were made to feel guilty about their need for sex. Thankfully, that belief has long gone the way of other sexual myths and we now are able to know that both males and females should have healthy sex drives. 

Each person in a marriage is an individual. We have different physical needs in areas such as sleep, nutrition, and activity, so it should come as no real surprise that we may have differences in our sex drives. Even the most compatible couple will, at some time in their married life, have different needs in the area of sexual activity.

The need or desire for sex varies through the years of marriage with one spouse wanting it more at different times. What do we do if we are sexually out of synch as a couple?  How do we get ourselves in tune with each other?

If you are “in the mood” more often than your mate, your level of frustration can form grounds for arguments that have nothing to do with sex. Many spouses tend to feel that their partners seeming lack of interest reflects on them. They may feel that their spouse no longer finds them attractive. This is rarely the case. As with all problems in a marriage the best thing to do is communicate.

Besides health, there are other reasons for lack of sex drive. Many men and women are career-focused in their thirties and forties. This need to become successful can be all-consuming and exhausting.

Some people are just more sex oriented by nature. They have a higher libido. Others, just as normally, have a lower drive. Couples need to walk the fine line between satisfying the spouse who desires more sex without making the other spouse feel pressured into “performing.” Here are a few tips.

Discuss your needs with your husband or wife at a time when you will have no interruptions. Make it a time when neither one of you is tired. Remember, most of us do not focus well when we’re tired and we tend to become argumentative over any perceived “inadequacies.”

State your feelings, but don’t be critical in any way. Be affectionate when you’re talking. Hold hands.

Let your spouse know how much you love them and how much physical union with them means to you. Let them know you really desire them, not just the act. Make them understand it is the act of lovemaking with them that you want. It’s hard to resist the fact that your mate finds you irresistible!

Ask them what they think can be done to help the situation.

You love each other and when you love someone you do want to make them feel good. Intimacy is one way that we have to express our love for our spouse. Be sure to let your husband or wife know that he or she is your object of desire.

Don’t end the conversation until you both feel you have reached a mutually beneficial solution.

The majority of the times the sexual drive in marriages evens out. Desires seem to click together and lovemaking becomes a beautiful mutual expression of two people in love.

***

© 2008 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton 

Get more “Relationships!”. Subscribe to Kristen Houghton’s column.

Questions? Want to see a certain relationship topic addressed?  

Add a comment here or email me at:  kch@kristenhoughton.com

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Looking for a worthy charity? Try these-

North Animal League Shore

http://www.nsalamerica.org/

SacredJude Thanks and Giving

http://www.tg.stjude.org