Dating (or marrying!) your best friend’s ex

January 12, 5:46 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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Remember back in high school when your best friend broke up with a boy you liked? Remember agonizing about what you would do if that boy asked you out?

How long should you wait after the break-up before you could let him know you liked him and wanted to date him and should you tell your best friend that you were going to date her ex-boyfriend were tormenting questions for teenage girls. We looked for rules to follow.

But, faced with a similar situation as adult women, what rules would we follow?

If your friend, not necessarily your best friend, but a member of your circle got divorced and you were similarly unattached, would you not only date her ex-husband, but consider marrying him?

The idea that once someone is “yours” they remain yours forever is a typical human reaction, even after a break-up. The fact that the husband who once held you in his arms and made love with you is now going to do the same with someone else is cause enough for a jealous reaction. If that someone else is your friend, the reaction can be traumatic. While your “man” marrying a stranger is hard enough to swallow, marrying a woman you know pretty well is impossible to digest! You begin thinking about whether your husband and your friend had been carrying on behind your back during your marriage. It may not be true but the suspicion is there.

Are there really rules for this uncomfortable situation? Yes, but be very careful.

Rule one is a personal search of self that only you can answer. Ask yourself some hard questions and be brutally honest with your answers. How important is your friendship to you? Are you two great, confiding friends or more casual ones? If you lost her friendship how badly would you feel? Do you love the man she divorced or do you just feel an attraction? If there are children, how will you handle any potentially unpleasant situations? How comfortable will you be if you live in a small town and run into each other frequently? Will your other friends choose her over you? Are you willing to break off ties with your other friends for this man?

Rule number two-whose side are you on anyway? If the divorce was initiated by the husband and the wife didn’t want him to leave, she may feel betrayed that a friend of hers is seriously thinking of being with “her” husband. She may also feel that her friend is siding with the husband about marital “problems” over her. 

Rule number three is to do what you did in high school, hopefully with more finesse-tell your friend. Be up front and honest with her about your feelings, before you  

take any action at all.  Keep in mind her mixed emotions about her ex. Love and hate are just a fine away from each other. Be prepared to lose a friendship.

 “We don’t choose the person we fall in love with,” says Anna, a woman who is indeed marrying the husband of a formerly close friend. “I always liked Larry but while he was married, I never would have thought of pursuing a relationship. After my divorce I never saw him all that much. When I heard he was divorced I went to see him and we fell in love. His ex-wife? Unfortunately we’re not friends anymore because when I told her Larry and I were going out on a date she had a screaming fit. Finding out we were getting married ended what was left of our friendship. We had been pretty good friends and she is with someone else now but she still is angry at me.”

If you and your friend’s ex do become husband and wife remember that this is a  marriage between you and your new husband and no one else. You and he have to work out some serious family relationship dynamics and you have to be very strong and united as a couple.

The idea of marrying a friend’s ex-husband seems like social suicide to some women yet, as Anna said, we don’t choose with whom we fall in love. Still in all, the idea of being with your friend’s ex is as confusing and scary for adult women as it is for teenage girls. Maturity and wisdom don’t always come with the years and decisions of the heart, be it friendship or love, don’t always bring us happiness.

© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton 

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