Why he won’t commit to a serious relationship

November 4, 6:27 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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photo credit: AWilliamHopper

Has this happened to you? You are part of a fabulous, attractive couple. Your friends tell you with a touch of friendly envy that you both turn heads wherever you go. Your sex life is incredibly good; you’re compatible in every way. Your parents like him, his parents like you-life is good. There’s just one problem.

He absolutely will not commit to a serious relationship.

It isn’t that he wants to date others, it isn’t that he’s not in a financially good place; it isn’t even that he was burned badly in a past relationship. He’s a great guy who simply doesn’t want to make a serious commitment to you. And it is driving you absolutely nuts trying to figure out why!

A commitment shy man is both a puzzle and a challenge to the woman who dates him. Outside of the few who show abusive behavior, these guys are generally nice, well-liked good guys who simply have a hard time “settling down.” While they choose to be monogamous with one woman, sometimes for an extended period of time, the idea of making it permanent is something which they will not do or even discuss 

Some men just want the idea of freedom, a kind of freedom card, the sense that they could leave the relationship if they wanted to do so. What commitment? I’m free to go at any time!

For other men it is more complex, especially when it comes to marriage.

If marriage to your commitment-phobe is on your mind, perhaps you may need to seriously reconsider your plans. You may be dealing with someone who isn’t “personally settled.”

Studies from the Bowdoin University Gender Studies Center show that men who shy away from committing to a serious relationship are not personally fulfilled. This means that no matter how content a man may be with his job and life as a whole, there is still something inside him that has not been satisfied and this keeps him from making a permanent commitment such as marriage. He may subconsciously have a desire to do “something more” before he feels personally fulfilled. Perhaps he has always wanted to travel the world, become a pro tennis player, or live in a foreign country on his own. If this isn’t taken care of he feels either the nagging pull to get on with it or a vague regret that his secret ambition will never be realized.

Commitment-phobic men do not make good partners in the long run unless your ideas about being together include an acceptance of having nothing legally binding in your relationship and the real possibility of his using his freedom card when you least expect it.

As sad as it may be for you to end a relationship with this wonderful guy, if a long-term relationship or marriage is your main objective, leaving him may be your only alternative.

***© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton. The above article may not be rewritten, copied, published, broadcast, or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton.

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