Marrying your best friend's ex

November 11, 5:51 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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Remember back in high school when your best friend broke up with a boy you liked? All that agonizing about what you would do if that boy asked you out?
How long should you wait after the break-up before you could let him know you liked him and wanted to date him and should you tell your best friend that you were going to date her ex-boyfriend were tormenting questions for teenage girls. We looked for rules to follow.

Faced with a similar situation as adult women, what rules would we follow if we wanted to date and marry a friend's ex husband?

If your friend, not necessarily your best friend, but a member of your circle, got divorced and you were similarly unattached, would you not only date her ex-husband, but consider marrying him?

The idea that once someone is “yours” they remain yours forever is a typical human reaction, even after a break-up. The fact that the husband who once held you in his arms and made love with you is now going to do the same with someone else is cause enough for a jealous reaction. If that someone else is your friend, the reaction can be traumatic. While your “man” marrying a stranger is hard enough to swallow, marrying a woman you know pretty well is impossible to digest! You begin thinking about whether your husband and your friend had been carrying on behind your back during your marriage. It may not be true but the suspicion is there.

Are there really rules for this uncomfortable situation? Yes, but be careful.

Rule one is a personal search of self that only you can answer. Ask yourself some hard questions and be brutally honest with your answers. How important is the friendship to you? Are you two great, confiding friends or more casual ones? If you lost her friendship how badly would you feel? Do you love the man she divorced or do you just feel an attraction? If there are children, how will you handle any potentially unpleasant situations? How comfortable will you be if you live in a small town and run into each other frequently? Will your other friends choose her over you? Are you willing to break off ties with your those friends for this man?

Rule number two-whose side are you on anyway? If the divorce was initiated by the husband and the wife didn’t want him to leave, she may feel betrayed that a friend of hers is seriously thinking of being with “her” husband. She may also feel that her friend is "siding" with the husband about marital issues.

Rule number three is to do what you did in high school, hopefully with more finesse-tell your friend. Be up front and honest with her about your feelings, before you take any action at all. Keep in mind her mixed emotions about her ex. Love and hate are just a fine line away from each other. Be prepared to lose a friendship.

If you and your friend’s ex do become husband and wife remember that this is a marriage between you and your new husband and no one else. You and he have to work out some serious family relationship dynamics and you have to be very strong and united as a couple. Friends will takes sides and you may be the one who loses. Finding a new group of friends as a new couple may be a necessity.

The idea of marrying a friend’s ex-husband seems like social suicide to some women. The idea of being with your friend’s ex is as confusing and scary for adult women as it is for teenage girls. Maturity and wisdom don’t always come with the years, and decisions of the heart, be it friendship or love, don’t always bring us happiness.

***41 days until "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!
Do you sabotage your own happiness in order to make other people in your life happy? Learn how to put your own life first! Read Kristen Houghton's new book, "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!" due in stores in December 22, 2009. Pre-order it today. Available at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Amazon, and all bookstores.

*The above article may not be rewritten, copied, published, broadcast, or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton