The art of happy step-parenting

October 25, 4:46 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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You’re in love, you’re getting married; life looks good and beautiful. There’s only one minor hitch; besides becoming a new husband or wife you’re going to become an instant Dad or Mom. 

The job becomes even more difficult if this is your first foray into parenthood. If you’ve never had the responsibility of being a mom or dad, the prospect of becoming one as a step-parent can be overwhelming.

Having a baby, a little bundle who will grow along with us as we perfect our new parenting skills is one thing. But becoming an instant parent of an older child brings not only our never used parenting skills into question but our status as a member of the family. The child was there first and we can be made to feel like an interloper in an established family unit.

When your repeated efforts to make them feel comfortable with you as a permanent household member are rebuffed, you can feel like an unwanted visitor in your own home.

It helps to remember that it is probably not you personally whom the child doesn’t like, it’s the idea of who and what you represent. You are the step-parent, the one the child feels has taken their real Mommy’s or Daddy’s place. No matter how wonderful, understanding, and kind you may be, and no matter how much they may want to warm up to you, children will feel conflicted about loving a step-parent. It’s a loyalty thing, a guilt reaction. Their reasoning is simple:

 “I can’t love this new person. That mean I’m forgetting my real mom or dad.”

The best way to create a happy family is to be completely honest with the child. Tell him or her that you wouldn’t ever want to take the place of their mom or dad but that you really want be part of the family as a respected step-parent. 

Becoming  a blended family is easier if you remember these basic, positive suggestions.

Always: Emphasize the love you have for the parent you married and your desire that you all live in happiness together.

Don’t be the disciplinarian. Ever. That’s not your job. You can have an input into what is appropriate behavior and what is not, but if you punish a child it will only cause resentment.

No matter how tempting, never, ever speak badly of the parent who is not there. No one, especially a child, needs to hear negative words about someone they miss. Childhood loyalty is strong.

If possible, be on good terms with the child's biological mom or dad. You will be seeing him or her at school and sports functions possibly for years to come.

Any children you and your new spouse have will be siblings to your step-children. All should be treated equally.

Remember that it will take time and effort to establish a good relationship but that, for harmony sake and a happy family, it is worth it all.

***58 days until "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!
Do you sabotage your own happiness in order to make other people in your life happy? Learn how to put your own life first! Read Kristen Houghton's new book, "AND THEN I'LL BE HAPPY!" due in stores in Fall 2009. Pre-order it today. Available at Barnes and Noble, Borders, Amazon, and all bookstores 

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© 2009 all rights reserved Kristen Houghton. The above article may not be rewritten, copied, published, broadcast, or redistributed, wholly or in any part, without the express written permission of Kristen Houghton.