A sexless marriage? There is help...

November 9, 6:24 PMRelationship ExaminerKristen Houghton

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Sex is an integral part great part of a marriage. We expect it, it is good for us, we need it, we want it. So it comes as a surprise when, for one reason or another, we stop having sex.

Pinpointing the reason for lack of sex is the major key to getting back a healthy sex life. Unfortunately too many people put the subject of sex aside either not wanting to discuss it or hoping "things will straighten out on their own eventually." They won't.

What are some of the things that cause no sex marriages?

Our frenetic lifestyles for one; we tend to put sex last on our daily "to do" list. Work, kids, activities, long hours of "day-into-night," all lead to exhaustion and exhaustion leads to lack of sex drive. How romantic can you be when you can barely keep your eyes open? As one harried mother and wife put it:

"I hate to say it like this but, at the end of the day, sex is just one more chore."

Researchers have found that when couples in a so-called sexless marriage are able to get away from family and work, and vacation on their own, their sexual activity is comparable to so-called honeymoon sex. It becomes a priority when they are relaxed and stress is a distant memory. They have time and energy to devote to each other.

The solution to a lifestyle that physically drains you is to take stock immediately of what you and your spouse need to be sexually active with each other.

Is getting away for a weekend out of the question or is it a possibility?

Can you have quiet time at least once a week at an hour early enough so that you're both still relatively fresh?

Take charge of your life. Be your own manager. If you were being paid to arrange a schedule for a client or businessperson, you would do it. Why not treat yourself the same as you would another person? Your "pay" can be the reward of hot sex with the person you love.

A second reason for no sex is the "anger syndrome." Can you make love with a person with whom you are angry? Do you hold on to anger and let it smolder, keeping your spouse away? Anger is one of the least productive emotions. It drains you and keeps you from living. Get rid of it! Who's right or who's wrong doesn't matter in the long run. Anger isn't kissable, touchable, or sexy!

The last reason for no sex may be more serious than the other two mentioned. If stress, overwork, exhaustion, or fighting is not the reason for lack of sex it may be time to see a doctor. Health problems, both physical and mental, can cause a drop in sex drive.

Get a complete physical check-up and be frank with your doctor. Physical problems from diabetes, thyroid, menstrual cycles, menopause, prostate, arthritis, etc. can be affecting your libido.

Remind the doctor of any medications you may be on, even those over-the-counter ones we pick up so casually. If you're going to a new doctor, bring a list of any meds you take. Doctors are willing to help; just be open and honest about your sexual problems. There is rarely anything she or he hasn't heard before. Sex is healthy and normal and an expression of a healthy, normal relationship.

Remember you are in charge of your life and your sex life. Make time for the both of you. Great sex is a key ingredient to a healthy, happy relationship.Enjoy it and each other!

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