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For a Quick Divorce, Try a Tandem Bicycle
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Tandem riders violating rule 7
The tandem bicycle has been nicknamed the “Divorce Machine”. Why and how it got such a deadly nickname is beyond my meager research capabilities. But (knock on wood), so far my wife and I have discovered the tandem to be anything but a divorce machine. We’re on our second Santana and in 16 years of paired riding, we’ve experienced many more hours of pleasure and joy than disappointment and dispute.
The beauty of the tandem is that it allows both participants to work as hard (or go as easily) as they like, without most of the frustrations normally felt by both parties when one partner is a much stronger rider than the other. Taking a sanguine approach to the tandem is not a natural orientation for competitive riders, however, so it may take an attitude adjustment (and possibly a good therapist) to get comfortable with the notion, but before you discard the idea out of hand, consider the benefits.
If you feel like you need hard workouts but your partner is not as strong as you, the tandem is an excellent apparatus. You can work your bunions off while your partner spins along without having to push to extremes. In this configuration, the tandem is similar to riding a heavy mountain bike or riding with your brakes rubbing to add stress to your workout. Conversely, your more refined cycling form (spinning and ankling, e.g.) can be taught pedagogically to your partner as the sheer repetition of your mechanics becomes second nature to your partner.
If your whole raison d’etre has to do with riding fast and making a statement to every other rider on your measly stretch of road, the tandem is a double-edged sword. On downhills and flats, you will outride most single riders, even with a modest partner in the engine room. On the other hand, hills, even for strong tandem teams, are lessons in humility. By a similar token, quartering headwinds will make both of you wish you were back home in bed. The major benefit of a tandem is to enable you to double the person-power against a single wind silhouette. This is a huge advantage in most situations, but the reduced speed on hills mitigates this benefit greatly and quartering headwinds can make your vehicle feel like a two-masted schooner trying to sail upwind.
Here are the basics that you will need to know if you want to give a tandem a try:
1. The Captain sits in front, the Stoker sits in back.
2. The Stoker is always right.
3. When first mounting the bike, the Captain should straddle the top tube, holding the bike firmly and steadily while the Stoker clips in with both feet.
4. At stops, the Captain should support the tandem entirely, the Stoker keeping both feet locked in.
5. The Stoker should avoid any extraneous movements, especially when the Captain is balancing the bike at stops.
6. The Captain should call out bumps and sudden movements. Most tandems now offer shock-absorbing Stoker seats, so bumps are not such a big deal, but it’s never a good idea to startle the Stoker (see rule 2).
7. The Captain and Stoker should never wear matching jerseys, because that’s just asking for every cycling hot-rodder in the county to try to make an example of you.
For single riders passing or following a tandem, there are a few things you should know as well:
1. Claiming that the Stoker is not peddling is not funny and, yes, we have heard that one before.
2. Tuck in on the flats and downhills and feel free to blithely ride away from us on uphills – we’re used to it.
3. No, we don’t know the words to “Bicycle Built for Two”.
Here are some resources for more information about tandems and tandeming (which, according to most tandem sites, appears to be a real word):
http://www.tandemcycleworks.com/
http://www.coloradotandemclub.org/
It’s quite possible that a tandem can help you on your way to a divorce, if that is your inclination, but for most couples it proves to be one of the most healthy and enjoyable ways to spend outdoor time together.
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