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Neptune Society Columbarium: Neither spooky, kooky nor altogether ooky
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(Photo: Ed Uyeshima)
Unless you’re a mortician, a necrophiliac or a really bad folk singer, you probably don’t talk about death with great alacrity. Did you know there are only two cemeteries left in the city? Both are full up and not likely to see a vacancy for a while, and then there’s the alternative - the Neptune Society Columbarium “because cremation makes sense”. That’s their slogan, not mine. But don’t let a memorial service be the only reason you come here. Designed by British architect Bernard J. S. Cahill, an apparent specialist in mortuary architecture, it’s quite an impressive 1898 neoclassical structure that’s open to the public.
If you think real estate in San Francisco is at a premium when you’re alive, that’s nothing compared to when you’re pushing up daisies. Besides, the history behind the Columbarium makes for good cocktail fodder. At the turn of the last century, there was a movement to remove all the buried remains from within the city. On one end of the scale, wealthy families were able to move their ancestors to Colma, the famous suburb with an astonishing seventeen cemeteries comprising approximately 73% of the town's area. On the other end, the poor simply left their relatives’ bodies in their graves, which are still underneath the Richmond District. Meanwhile, the headstones were completely repurposed, and you can still see those remains in the breakwater near the St. Francis Yacht Club and in the paving material for the gutters lining the walks of Buena Vista Park. It’s good to know recycling was alive and well - you should pardon the expression in this context - well before the invention of the aluminum beer can.
Looking somewhat like a Victorian-era observatory, the Columbarium is a serene space with a very high ceiling, a bit musty understandably but lit mainly by the natural light coming through the meticulously designed stained glass windows, the showcase being the big one up above in the rotunda. There are rows and rows of little windows with urns in them. These are the vaults people pay for to get ready for the hereafter. It’s comforting to see all the family pictures and various tscotchkes packed into the vaults, which I assume to be keepsakes of the deceased. There are four floors of vaults, and space is available in case you’re interested in having a very long staycation in the city, eternal in fact. As an incentive, the people who buy the vaults - but have not kicked the bucket yet - throw an annual cocktail party so they can get to know each other now. That does sound like an episode of “The Addams Family” (snap, snap). However, I think it would be rather tacky to bring a Dustbuster to the pre-mortem festivities.
LOCATION: One Loraine Court, near the intersection of Stanyan and Anza Streets in the Inner Richmond District
For more info: Neptune Society of Northern California
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