
10) Whilst your elbow flattens the crab cakes at least say “excuse my reach,” or better, ask for a pass. The salt and pepper can be your's too, if you just wait a moment.
9) You really did finish your margarita before everyone else. Eat to your left, drink to your right. Food that’s to the left is for your fork and your fork only, and any glass to the right is your sole watering hole.
8) If I wanted to watch you have a conversation on Facebook, I would’ve bought you a webcam for you birthday, but instead I bought you dinner, out. Unless you’re blogging dinner live, pocket it Perez. No texting at the table.
7) Napkintolapnapkintolapnapkintolapnapkintolap.
6) So you have something to say, do you? Chew first, swallow second, then give the windpipes a whirl.
5) Toothpicks are for after dinner. And that leftover chicken bone is not a toothpick, btw.
4) For decades, science has been telling us that humans are not dogs. No snapping, clapping or shouting at the wait staff.
3) Going to a restaurant is like getting the bus, only you get served 3-course meals and alcoholic beverages in a plush seat with people you love. Since you’re getting the treatment, why not act like it? Be on time for reservations or happily wait for the next table if you’re more than 15 minutes out. Some buses don’t wait.
2) Yes, I got my fried oyster basket and beer-battered fries before you, and yes, they’re steaming and smell like heaven, but keep your eyeballs on your own table. Ogling is just plain awkward.
1) Utilize that calculator app on your smart phone. If you know how much you want to spend, consider tip and tax before you order. A 20% tip is expected and 15% is expected for mediocre service. Don’t skimp a sweaty, over-worked waiter because you wanted a filet but could only afford a salad. That’s the kind of thing that Santa Claus will remember (and so will your date, who’s served knuckleheads like you before).