Why I can't make love in this club with Usher

July 21, 4:37 PMMusic ExaminerBen Westhoff

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You can still keep those drinks coming, though

Hello cyberfolk!

This is my new column dedicated to music, particularly rauchy mainstream rap and repressed indie rock. For my first few posts I'm going to give you some of my greatest hits from my personal blog, The Healthiest Man In Park Slope. We'll start with an open letter to Usher concerning his hit song, "Love In This Club." (You can hear the song at the bottom of the post.)

Dear Usher,

Thank you for the kind invitation, but unfortunately I'm not going to make love in this club with you for the following reasons.

1. Just made love in this club with Young Jeezy an hour ago. Still tired.

2. I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love. But come give me a
hug if you're into getting rubbed.

3. Refuse to go all the way with someone until I've known them for at least two songs.

4. Against fire code.

5. I'm in love with a stripper. Oh, and I like the bartender.

6. Didn't bring enough money to bribe the bathroom attendant.

7. The club is "me" time.

8. Prophylactic dispenser is all out of that kind I like with the vibrating ring.

9. Buy me another Hypnotiq and Hennessy and I'll think about it.

10. Hmmm. All right. You've convinced me. Does this make me easy? Why is Lil Jon coming with us?