Discipline 101: how do you know when your child is testing you?

July 20, 6:20 PMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

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Appropriate power or just flexing his muscles?

Testing is that wonderful interaction that all children try with people they love and trust.  Testing is a child's way of defining who he is as a separate person - you say "yes", he says "no"; you say "black", he says "white".  You've heard it a hundred times: children need limits to grow.

Children learn rules and right from wrong by pushing all the boundaries.  Yesterday mom said, "two cookies were enough".  Is that true for today?  What if your child had a bad day at the doctor - is that worth two extra cookies?  Grandma said a swear word while she was driving and you laughed when your child repeated it.  Why isn't it funny at school?

Sometimes, children are experimenting with choices and new behaviors.  Those are learning situations.  Times for explanations, corrections and clarifications.  Time to learn and practice new skills. 

Testing, on the other hand, is not a teachable moment.  If you see that suspicious twinkle in your child's eye when she's watching your reaction more intently that the outcome of the situation, she's testing you!  If you give your child what she asks for, and now she's asking for something else, she's testing.  You're in the game!   You are on a wild goose chase that you cannot win because as soon as you think you're done, your child ups the ante on you.  If your child asks to hear two books at bedtime, fine.  But two books, then one more, is not fine.  Spaghetti for breakfast?  No problem (in some houses) but don't go make waffles after the spaghetti is on the table.

Children don't always know what they want or what will satisfy them.  They want it ALL and they want it NOW.  Except that won't make them happy.  They'll be bouncing off the walls trying to wrestle with emotional chaos.

What should you do when your child tests you?  Shut it down...fast.  Get back to your routine as soon as you can.  Rules become your anchor in troubled waters.  Stand behind your rules - dinner is over when your child starts throwing the food under the table; lights out after the bedtime routine; grab the glass vase out of your child's hand before she swings it at the dog.

Testing is normal.  Not over-reacting, not over-talking, and not expecting perfectly compliant children requires an uncommon Zen-like response - and those monks don't seem to have many children!