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Good mothers are...real and gloriously imperfect
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ahhhh, the beauty and tranquility of an image
Kids aren't raised by "an image". As a matter of fact, kids can see through inauthenticity as quickly as they can smell fear in a substitute teacher. My favorite reminder to parents is: perfect parents don't raise perfect kids; they raise kids who aren't good enough.
Striving for parent perfection leads parents to try to avoid the messy moments guaranteed in everyday living with kids. Kids make mistakes, act immature and experiment with bizarre, irrational behavior. Parents who try to live the image a perfect family are quickly frustrated. Often, it's the perfectionism and resulting guilt of not attaining it that lead parents into the entitlement trap of giving-in and buying-up, and other assorted desperate parenting solutions. So, when will we give up the impossible myth of perfect parents?
Are you ready to look into the mirror? T. Berry Brazelton once described attachment as the process of falling in love - getting to know yourself as well as your baby. Like a mirror with two sides: in one side you see the depth of endearing emotions like love and patience; the other side magnifies the challenging emotions of frustration, anger and even the wish to run away from your new adorable life-defining commitment. Real love cannot avoid the messy parts.
Remember the words of the Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit:
Real isn't how you're made...It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real....
It doesn't happen all at once...That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
Ayelet Waldman's new book, The Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and the Occasional Moments of Grace, joins the list of honest parent memoirs. Bravo Ayelet for fighting the good fight - and letting everyone see the good, the bad and the ugly. Except there is no bad or ugly except to people who don't understand.
What if you're not a perfect parent? How will you face the guilt? From The Entitlement-Free Child:
Do you believe it's your job to give your child a happy and memorable childhood, perfect parents and a perfect world? What if you make a mistake? What if your child has a harder time in school or making friends because of something you do? What if you cannot give your child the same advantages in life that other children have?
What if? Try as you might - you won't ever be perfect, not for more than a fleeting second here and there. But, as W.D. Winnicott urged mothers almost a half a century ago - you are enough! Good-enough parents are exactly what children need to grow and thrive. What you do have to give your child, to teach your child, to learn with your child will lead your child to a full and exciting life. And lead your family to a better future with peaceful hearts and far more joy!
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