Discipline 101: how not to discipline your child

July 12, 11:56 AMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

Previous Next

1 comment Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Parenting Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

 

Children push your buttons and test your tenacity - almost every day.  It can feel like they are on this planet with the single goal of driving you crazy.  But, in reality, pushing and testing are simply your child's way of learning - what's important?  do you really mean it? is today different than yesterday?

Unfortunately, once you are emotionally hooked into their drama, you guarantee more testing and button-pushing.  And you aren't thinking clearly either.  You grab at a "quick fix" solution to get you through the moment but suffer the consequences next time.  Here's 4 Quick Fixes that never work in discipline situations from the "Stay on Course" section of The Entitlement-Free Child:

1. Hysterical or desperate behavior:  Parenting is emotional, as it should be, because your job is to teach your child to think and feel.  But yelling and flooding the discipline moment with more highly charged emotions is always ineffective.  Your child cannot hear your message or think calmly of constructive solutions to the problem at hand.
2. Threats or bribes:  Behind every threat or bribe is a sense of powerlessness that undermines your efforts.  Find a strong place to stand in the values you're trying to teach and your child won't be able to up the ante and use your bribes back against you.
3. Appeasement:  Giving-in buys you only temporary peace of mind.  You are setting yourself up for a shakedown next time, and the next time.  Don't do today what you have to un-do tomorrow.
4.  Avoidance:  Sweeping things under the rug only makes for a very bumpy rug.  Pretending a problem situation will improve by itself is not realistic.  Yes, children outgrown many inappropriate behaviors but not without guidance and practice.

Don't count on spontaneously discovering the best response in high-drama parenting moments.  Think about your discipline strategies before a conflict arises.  Test your discipline hypothesis in theory before practice - will your child really accept a sweet-voiced reminder from across the room to stop dragging the cat into the bathtub?  Be ready with plan B that matches your child's personality;  the mythical child who thanks her parents for setting limits doesn't live in this world.  Discipline isn't one-way communication.  It requires being heard.

So, monitor your stress, anxiety and frustration.  Create routines that work for your family.  And discover that discipline is just as much what happens before and after a conflict , not just an isolated moment.

• Find more helpful parenting strategies for your everyday parenting dilemma in The Entitlement-Free Child and read Kristy Stevens-Young Entitlement-Free Child book review.
• Read more discipline articles by Karen on Examiner.com.