What to do when your child lies

February 16, 9:39 AMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

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George Washington cannot tell a lie.  But according to developmental psychologists, your child can.  Lying is developmental.  Young children lie when they acquire certain cognitive skills that demonstrate they understand another person's point of view.  That is, around three years old, your child discovers what YOU want him to say - the right answer that won't get him in trouble. 

Preschool age children are not "rational" thinking in the adult sense of the word.  They are capable of magical thinking (story characters who will come to birthday parties, fairy dust to help them sleep, and cars that don't start if your seat belt isn't on) and they use "kid-logic" that allows them to hold contradictory beliefs (for example the tantruming 4 year old who wants to go to school with her friends and stay home with her favorite aunt - one or the other just won't do). 

Children grow out of "magical thinking" as they mature into school-age.  That's when they are capable of distinguishing right from wrong and capable of "moral reasoning".  Moral reasoning involves higher-ordered concepts of empathy, self control, rule-governed behavior, and predicting outcomes.  Moral reasoning also involves evaluating degrees of "rightness" - when a lie might be better than the truth, for example.

Here are some helpful parenting tips to use when your child is likely to tell a lie:

1. Build a language of "real" and "pretend".  Help your child label the difference from an early age.  For example, explain you can use "imagination" to solve problems (like when your wear your invisibility cloak) but flying elephants are characters in stories and not usually seen flying over your real house.
2. Be a truth-telling role model.  Be aware of your own speech and your little white lies.  Your child learns what you do not just what you say.
3. Don't set your child up for a lie.   Don't ask what you already know.  You're creating motivation to escape blame and punishment.  Why create incentives to make poor choices?  Truth-telling shouldn't require an excruciating emotional price.
4. Focus on truth rather than consequences.   Keep your emotions in check so you can listen to your child's point of view and make it "safe" to tell the truth.  Explain clearly right from wrong and find ways to correct any wrong-doing.  For example, show your child how to take responsibility for mistakes by speaking up or making amends.
5. Engage your child in moral discussions.  For example, what "should" we do when.  The world is full of situations to teach right versus wrong.  Older children will have lots to say about if and when it might be OK to lie.  Take advantage of car-time and dinner conversations to discover what your child thinks and to stretch her reasoning abilities by consider different facts, feelings and perspectives.

George Washington may have never told a lie but I'll bet he told a great story!