What to say when your child says I HATE YOU

October 9, 10:10 AMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

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Parents are often shocked when the child who loves them dearly shouts back in anger and frustration, "I HATE YOU".  It isn't easy to stay calm when your child is lashing out at you but it's important not to interpret this as a personal attack and not to try to "fix" the problem in this moment.

The book, The Entitlement-Free Child, answers this question with simple, effective parenting strategies.  It also alerts parents to possible "entitlement" issues lurking in the background.  Here's an excerpt from the book.

Entitlement Issues:  Entitlement parents are on a wild goose chase to keep their children happy.  Entitlement is brewing...because they are in an endless spiral of more, more, more.  Parents can only hold disappointment at bay for so long.  Eventually, your child must feel what he feels - anger, frustration, injustice.  When your child says., "I hate you", he is lashing out recklessly and hurtfully.  At some point, after he has time to figure out his emotional reaction, he needs to know the force of his words on others.  There is a better way to express emotions - no one is entitled to dump and spew nastiness indefinitely.

Entitlement-Free Perspective:  Here's one of those complex emotions that your child needs to unravel in age-appropriate ways.  What is he feeling? He doesn't like what you say and he's too angry to articulate what's bothering him.  Find the strategies that help your child communicate honestly and respectfully.  The entitlement-free child has realistic options when he gets stuck, and he's invested in finding constructive behaviors in problem situations.

Entitlement-Free Strategies:

1. Accept your child's right to protest your requests and decisions, without getting caught up in the situation.  Validate your child by saying, "I see you're not happy about this right now" or "you don't think this is fair, but now isn't the time to talk about it.  We can talk about it later if you still want to.
2. Do not try to convince your child that you are right, particularly when emotions are running high.  Your child is not open to reason at this time, which puts you in the position of defending the indefensible.
3. Focus on the immediate solution instead of getting sidetracked. What do you need to do right here, right now - get out of a store, leave the party, or go feed the dog while your child calms down?
4. Make time in the day for open-ended discussions to help your child understand the emotional aspects of a difficult situation.  These talks can be in the car, on an evening walk, or while snuggling in a cozy chair.  Start with a simple statement like, "Phew, you looked really upset when..."  Time for listening is why under-scheduling your child's day is critical.
5. Help your child identify constructive alternatives to reactive behavior.   Parents can model constructive problem-solving questions and solutions.  What helps your child calm down?  Throwing a ball against the garage door, petting the dog, or pretending with toy dinosaurs?  What else can your child do when things don't go his way?  Offer to plan the activity for another time or find something else that Mommy can say "yes" to...

It's the nature of parenting to face challenging moments - times when children push your buttons, act immaturely or find themselves in emotional storms.  You can do everything right and your child still loses it.  Take a deep breath.  Your child will learn critical emotional skills with your guidance.