Help and sympathy for kids who bite

Toddlers bite - it's a fact.  Problem is that kids who bite need help and sympathy instead of anger and exclusion.  Toddlers bite because it feels good.  Biting gives young children immediate relief from teething pain and from frustration as well as the power to bring about loud reactions from the bitee and from grown ups near and far.

Too often, adults choose to banish the biter instead of uniting to support the child and the parent.  In my experience, the parent of the biter feels at least as bad as the parent of the bitee (inside she's dying a thousand deaths even when she tries to act casually or rationally).  Preschool expulsions and playdate conflicts are not the solution to social biting problems.  Removing the biter from the group solves the immediate solves the immediate problem but denies everyone the opportunity to manage a predictable developmental situation.  Face two-year-old problems today and you'll be better prepared to face teen problems in the future. 

The following suggestions are adapted from the upcoming book: The Entitlement-Free Child:

1. Make a commitment to play groups that are founded on kindness and mutual support.  Consider not participating in groups that do not share responsibility for emerging social skills and age-appropriate challenges.
2. Identify the problem behavior openly and honestly.  Observe what provokes "biting episodes" - conflicts over toys, spatial proximity, tiredness, frustration, or lack of verbal skills.
3. Make biting prevention everyone's priority.  Adults should take responsibility to keep children safe and to help children learn social boundaries.  Once a biting incident occurs, expect biting to recur anytime for the next month, at least.
4. Be ready to intervene when children come into biting range to assist with redirection.  Deflect the biting by saying, "No biting."  Make the message loud and clear by saying, "I won't let you bite your friends.  Biting hurts."
5. Speak up for the child who is bitten, but do not treat the bitee like a victim.  Model a strong response to the biter.  For example, : "I doesn't like that.  Don't bite ME!"
6. Stay involved in the social-learning moment. Toddlers need guidance in moving forward from this cliffhanger.  Show them specifically how to share space, to wait for turns, or to move on to another activity.

Of course, keep perspective and, if you can, your sense of humor.  You've probably seen the Charlie Bit Me video before but it helps to remember kids do smile quickly after the biting....

 

 

Topics: parenting , preschool , infant/toddler