The child who pushes your buttons

August 1, 3:19 PMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

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HELP!  I'm falling apart and I can't move on.

Some parents are blessed with a child who drives them crazy.  This is the child who pushes the limits of your patience and your sanity...regularly.  Your button-pusher might be the two year old who can't sit in the restaurant no matter what you do, the twelve year old who wants to debate every decision you make, or the six year old whose constant whining makes waterboarding seem harmless.  To make matters worse, the crazy-making behavior seems "just for YOU".  In addition, you have confirmed evidence that you are a good parent:  your other child never tries this stuff.

I know one fact that is sure to add to your frustration:  you can do everything right - set reasonable rules, choose teachable consequences, ignore the behavior but not the child, and praise the positive - and some children still test the boundaries and push parents to the edge.  Why?  Because that's who they are.  While you'd love to be the parent who raises the perfect child, some things are beyond your control.  Your child is a person who doesn't always do what you want in the way you want.  You can still be a wonderful, responsible, effective parent and live with a child who pushes your buttons.

1. Calibrate your expectations.  Your goals and your values don't change.   Continue to expect respect and appropriate behavior - just don't expect easy acquiescence.  This child won't go gently into the good night.  This child isn't going to hear your "rules" and thank you for your insight and forward -thinking.  Anticipate the tantrums, the maneuvering and the attempts to sabotage your best intentions.  Have your Plan B ready to go and move forward with it instead of stalling out before you reach your goal.
2. De-escalate emotional engagement.  Button-pushing only works when your child can hit the right buttons.  Of course you're frustrated.  Of course you can't believe your child is doing this AGAIN.  But, you are the adult here (even when you wish you weren't).  Hold the frustration and the anger till this exchange is over.  Then, you can go call your best friend and tell her you are running away from home AGAIN.  Or, explain to your child that are not happy with the behavior and you are not going to get into a screaming match over it - take a 5 minute break until everyone can act more calmly.  Or, try counting to ten or a hundred.  Twenty years ago, a parent educator named Joe Billups recommended "counting hippopotamuses" (1 hippopotamus, 2 hippopotamus, etc.).  Naming colors of hippos works as well.  Do anything different.  Just don't get sucked into your child's emotional vortex. 
3. Prepare for the marathon, not the sprint.  If you have a child who pushes your buttons, you want to maintain your stamina for the long run.  You need to refuel and replenish.  Take good care of yourself:  get a babysitter, go out with friends, hold onto your non-parent interests, and keep your sense of humor. 

Your child really won't turn out to be the neighborhood psychopath.  And, one day, you'll say exactly what your mother said to you - I hope you have a child just like you!