Advantages and disadvantages of listening to a parenting expert

July 23, 8:28 AMParenting ExaminerKaren Deerwester

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"hello, parenting 411?" 

Beware of "the expert"!  Parenting experts showed up in mass numbers in the 1980's (coincidentally, the decade I was hired to start a county-wide, school-based, parent-child, parenting program).  Grants and public funds were plentiful and exciting developmental research had lots to teach.  It was grrrreat!  OK, there was a downside - parenthood became "professionalized".  Now, there was a "right way" to interact with your child; and there might be a person (you barely know) who you believe knows how to teach, discipline, feed, potty train, or get your child to sleep better than you.  Beware of "the expert".  When anyone offers you expert parenting advice, consider these advantages and disadvantages:

Advantages:

1. Your experiences are validated.  You're not the only parent whose child can make you feel like an awesome superhero and the worst villain all in the same hour.
2. You learn from a new perspective.  Other people have been where you are and made a few mistakes you can avoid.  You might hear a better alternative than staying stuck in a particular parenting rut that'll have you smacking your head like a V-8 commercial - "oops, I coulda _____".
3. You discover the "why" and the "what's next".  Luckily, parents and children go through stages and today's struggles do not last forever.  But there is "reason" behind the craziness.

Disadvantages:

1. You lose yourself in trying to be perfect.  You start talking to your child borrowing someone else's words or you take positions that you really don't believe in - guaranteed to lead to the dreaded and ineffective "parent inconsistency".
2. You look to "hire" someone else to solve your parenting problems.  Those "small problems" are practice for the "big problems" (think teens, driving, drugs, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.) - best not to avoid the little stuff.
3. Parenting stops being fun.  You miss all the good moments because you're second guessing yourself.  When you forget to see the amazing little person in front of you, turn off your computer and run to the nearest playground.

As the new "national parenting examiner", I want to share the best of research, unravel the ambiguities of parent choices, and offer practical strategies to make your life easier.  You really do get to raise your child your way.  Your best parenting comes from deep within you - that genuine place where you as a unique person meets up with your one-of-a-kind child.  All advice has to go through your personal parenting filter.  Take what's useful - leave the rest.  And enjoy this time with your child!