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Jason vs. Jigsaw: Surviving the 'Saw' Franchise Part I - The Proposition
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Open up and say Saaaaaw.....
Like it or not cinema-cynics and film-finicks, the Saw franchise is an annual theater fixture. Sure it got high-jacked last weekend by that sleek, sexy newcomer Paranormal Activity. But somehow, inexplicably, (dare I say mystically) there are now six Saw movies released within six consecutive years - all of which went straight into theaters instead of direct-to-DVD.
Believe it or not in today's disjointed film climate that says something.
It might say that there are at least two million people in this world whose idea of smart entertainment involves anesthesia and amputation. Or it might just say that horror movie fans are easy marks. I have no idea which - I've only really seen two Saw movies. The first two. Until now that was pretty much as far as I needed to go with the franchise. After watching Cary Elwes perform at a level most sewage systems will never drain down to in the first film - and then watching Franky G's roid-rampage through the rusty landscapes of the second film - I didn't need much more from the Saw movies as a whole. I kind of resolved myself to believing that Saw, for all intents and purposes, was just Se7en for Dummies.
Yeah, I know I sound like Snarky McDouchebag for saying all that, but it is true. I'm a horror fan not a horror apologist. But I really can't discount the fact that the Saw series, whether I approve of it or not, does have a devoted following. And it is a following that's been single-mindedly attending these movies every October since they premiered way back in 2004. The horror community hasn't seen this kind of return affection since the (admittedly) rose-tinted glory days of Jason Voorhees and Mr. Freddy James Krueger. (not his real middle name) Like it or not this is the modern horror franchise that underage kids are sneaking into theaters to text through today. Jigsaw is the vogue maniac right now. And torture porn, for all of its ugliness and monotony, is the genre's new black. Though it is - and thank you gods of Hollywood for this - finally fading to a fuzzy shade of gray now.
Last year I had a lot of fun grinding my way through the original Friday the 13th franchise when I did Jason vs. Jason: Surviving the Friday the 13th Franchise. It wasn't a cake walk - sitting through 11 movies painstakingly patterned after the same basic blueprint will never be easy - but it was kind of nostalgic; maybe even cathartic. I just may have bonded with my namesake during the 1,012 minutes that we shared together. He's really not that bad of a lad once you peel off the hockey mask and all the cut-throat posturing. Most of the time he was just ridding our world of annoying teenagers - I don't think any of us are ready to debate the value of that reaction.
So this October I was sort of scrambling through horror franchises to cover in another Jason vs. Somebody/Something/Anything horror movie piece. This time I wanted to cover something a bit fresher off the turnip truck - revisit a modern horror series I never really sat down and gave my full attention to. Maybe even a horror series that I might be guilty of bad-mouthing in my own self-interested sort of ritual-film-snookery. I can be a bit of a sassy little bitch when it comes to watching and writing about movies - I'm ready to admit as much. But at least I'm a sassy little bitch who's willing to give almost anything short of man-on-horse porno its day in living room court. And who else do you know in this wretched, servile, rotten, business who's willing to throw themselves not just under one bus - but under an entire convoy of busses all in the name of... In the name of... Name of... Of..? Umm.? Err...
Like a 20ft. silver weather balloon under the command of Richard Heene - the thought escapes me.
The salient question here is can I endure all six Saw movies in a row? And if so who will return from this torture porn marathon victorious? Me for being right about the Saw movies being nothing more than cheap, lazy, mutilation trash? Or Jigsaw for actually being a worthy horror film legend? And if the films are indeed terrible won't that make them their own special type of torture device - and by some odd reckoning - actually effective by design? And will the entire endeavor be worth anything once the smoke from my DVD player finally clears???
As of now it's not so easy to predict. I still have nightmares about the original Saw film. Not because it scared me in any real way. No, I still have nightmares about Cary Elwes performance at the end of the original film - all sweaty, all pale, all quivery, all breathless and ruined, all totally/completely/wholly suck-icidal in every manageable way... That performance still haunts me, as I'm sure it does him whenever he drags his mole-encrusted face into another casting call audition. It isn't something I'm looking forward to revisiting I can tell you all that much.
Be here tomorrow for Jason vs. Jigsaw: Surviving the Saw Franchise Part II when I finally sit down through the first five Saw films and drivel on about the experience. And then be here just after that when I review the brand new Saw VI in Part III of this series... Or just go and do whatever you were going to do anyway - like I'm going to know the difference.
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