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Jason vs. Jason: Surviving the Friday the 13th franchise Part II
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If you can't beat em' get your hair massacred to look like em'. Corey Feldman in The Final Friday.
So it's been officially insane at work this week. I won't tell you what I've been doing or where I've been doing it, just know that I'm a burned-out shell of a man. If only I had the supernatural drive of one Mr. Jason Voorhees I would have had this column up last Monday when it was scheduled to go up. But I don't so it didn't happen. That doesn't mean I've given up watching every Friday the 13th movie. I just recently finished Block One of these films, starting with the original and ending with The Final Friday, four movies in all. The film block I call: Jason Voorhees the Formative Years. Here's how that little chapter in this extra-long bloody saga went down.
Field Notes- Ahhhh the early 80's, a wondrous period of teen evolution where bandannas could be tied around anything as a fashion accessory and were. Shorts were extra short, and the only other venue you could spot more camel toe at was the Imparja Camel Cup... This time period also made for a virtual wonderland for aspiring super-murderers like the Voorhees family. Mother may have started the blood-letting but it wasn't long before her only "living" offspring picked up the family trade and plied it as well. One curious thing about these films is that in the original, Mrs. Voorhees was avenging her son's death. (he drowned, the kid was no Michael Phelps when it came to water sports...) But he wasn't really dead was he? So was she just mad? And why in hell was she called Mrs. Voorhees and not Miss Voorhees? Did she have a husband waiting at home cleaning up the shack while she took the weekend off up at Camp Crystal Lake?
None of this matters anyway. What does matter is that we have a nice little formulaic serial killer series to entertain us. The basic format of these films is a group of goofy, sex-staved teenagers heads up to Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. They tell dumb jokes, ponder their sexual prowess, and then get ticked off the Must Kill checklist by a member of the Voorhees family. Mother in the original film, then son in the following 10 films. One or two people spend the last 20 minutes of the movie fleeing the killer till they concoct a plan to turn the tables on their pusuer, killing them and finally finding some piece of mind. Usually this moment is interrupted by a demented hallucination of Jason coming back to life and is shot in slow-motion. That's the recipe for a big steaming bowl of Friday the 13th.
Best Film- The fourth film. I know fans like the original and it's pretty good. But Friday the 13th The Final Chapter is where this original block of movies hit its pace. Jason goes on a T-rex sized rampage in this film. This is where the man in the hockey mask really becomes something more than just a dim-witted plodding masked murderer and begins playing rough with the teenage set. Plus it's got Corey Feldman in it sporting his best haircut ever ...
Worst Film- The third one, aptly titled Friday the 13th Part 3. The movie that was originally released in 3-D so that now when we watch it we're dumbfounded by a thousand close-ups of knife tips, spear gun darts, and rattlesnake heads. Regrettably this also makes it possible to see all the wires pulling these objects at the screen. Sure Jason Voorhees dons the hockey mask in this film for the first time. But it's a bad movie tragically addicted to three dimensional sight gags... And the cast is the fugliest group of amateur actors in the entire 13th canon.
Darwin Award- I wanted to give this award to "Fox" the tough-talking afro-American biker chick for tripping and falling in a barn and damn near de-eying herself on a pitchfork in Friday the 13th Part 3. But she walked away from the incident relatively unharmed. So this Darwin Award just has to go to the dog Gordon in The Final Chapter who hurls himself like a life-sick lemming out of a second story window in the family home for as far as I can comprehend, absolutely no reason whatsoever. Goodnight sweet pup...
Unecessary Roughness- Poor Andy in Friday the 13th Part 3. He thought walking around on his hands would get him laid. And it did. But it also got him split exactly down the middle from a machete chop that hit somewhere around his "gooch" and cut a bloody trail through every part of the unfortunate boy that he used to do all his thinking with...
Smooth Move Ex-Lax- Just watch the video... Yep, that's George McFly...
Celebrity Sighting- Kevin Bacon in the original Friday the 13th. Kevin also does the first nude scene in this series. We get to see his hairy, pimpled, man-ass before any other flesh in the entire film franchise. Crispin Glover, winner of the Smooth Move Ex-Lax category, and Corey Feldman appear in Friday 4. Feldman is credited as the one person to finally kill the original, still breathing, manifestation of Jason Voorhees. He shaved his little white head to resemble Voorhees as he was as a lethally unattractive child. When Jason stops in confusion at seeing his previous resemblance in this little kid, Corey seizes the moment to go caveman on him with his own machete. Well done little Feldman. Well done indeed.
Thank You Mr. Voorhees, May I have Another?- When Jason finally kills crazy old Ralph, ( barb-wire garrote) elderly weirdo and minor doom prophet, I wanted to send him a fruit basket. Thanks buddy, that jackass had it coming for two straight movies.
There's Just Nooooo Way!- Spear guns don't shoot so well above water. The spear is propelled by basic rubber tubing after all. So when Jason bulls-eyes some chick in the eye from forty feet away in Friday the 13th Part 3.... I was thinking Nooooo Way!
Miss Camp Crystal Lake- This award goes unanimously to Terry in Friday the 13th Part II. Not only is she 1980's hot, but she gives us the triple B in film nudity. Boobs, butt, and think of the surname of our current sitting President.... Plus she dresses like a prostitute at prom. Nobody wears T-shirts this short anymore...
Great Dialog- I've got two pieces of classy film dialog.
From Friday the 13th Part 2: "This is bear country, and contrary to whatever everybody hears, bears ARE dangerous..."
And from Friday the 13th Part 3: "Did I hear you screaming? No, it's probably just Debbie having an orgasm..."
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