Fathers, husbands, surrogates- we need you

June 14, 4:05 PMDC Marriage Advice ExaminerTonya Foust Mead, PhD, MBA, MA

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To illustrate the critical role fathers play, a scene from Wallstreet movie take-off  Boiler room says it all.  Ron Rifkin plays the estranged father. He tells his son (Giovanni Ribisi), "I'm not your best friend. That is your mother's job."  For a sneak peek into ways in which dads and men in care-taking roles prove invaluable to their offspring and surrogate children, read on.

Positive parenting
Researchers acknowledge that while dads are just as responsive to infants as mothers, fathers had a 'unique capacity to draw out an expanded array of intense emotional expression.' This skill helps sons to lean how to tolerate broader ranges of people and social situations. As fathers' aggression increases with the child's age, during the tween years, children needed less  guidance from adults on ways to handle difficult feelings and were more capable of handling emotionally intense situations in a socially acceptable way.

Father-son play (rough and tumble, tug of war) teaches a male offspring to learn to read the emotions of others.  By closely observing his father's facial expressions and body language, sons learn to read their  father's mood and listen to his own inner emotional states. This helps him to identify whether he finds the play overwhelming, out of control, tolerable or intolerable. In so doing, fathers help their children manage their frustration which without their support and involvement could lead to violence.

Boston University researcher, Leslie Brody's research concluded that when fathers are actively involved in their sons' lives, the boys were less aggressive, less overly competitive, and better able to express feelings of vulnerability and sadness.

Studies show that fathers may have more of an effect on their teenage sons in their academic and social functioning than their mothers do. For instance, in an eleven year study that followed boys beginning at the age of 7 through ages 22; the more shared activities a boy had with his father, the more education he completed. The closer the emotional bond between father and son, the lower the incident of socially deviant behavior.

The benefits of positive father-son parenting extends to middle age.  Robert Sears, in several longitudinal studies found that young men at 23 years of age were best able to compromise with others; by age 31, these adults showed capacity for greater empathy; and by age 40,  these same adults had healthier social relationships and increased capacity for intimacy.

Uninvolved and Negative parenting
Boys of fathers who easily lost their tempers or were impulsive; similar behavioral patterns existed among their children. These boys did not do well in school, had poor problem solving skills, were inept socially and were sexually promiscuous.

Conclusion- two messages
First, to mothers, wives, ex-wives, and cohabitating partners, let's face it. Men are biologically different from women. Their parenting styles and preferences are different, but no less vital to psychological and social development of our kids.

Second, to dads and surrogates. Hang in there. From 1960 to 2003, the percentage of children born out of wedlock rose from 5 to 35 percent. The biggest problem with illegitimacy is that it typically denies children the opportunity to have two parents who are committed daily to their emotional and material welfare (The Witherspoon Institute, 2006). During relatively the same time period, the divorce rate doubled in the United States from 20  percent of all first marriages to 45 percent. Approximately two-thirds of all divorces involve children. So, there are a lot of kids out there without a father figure. If you are unattached, go lend a hand. If you have great parenting skills-- share them with the world. The next generation needs you.

Literary Resources

Pollack, William, Real Boys: Rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood, Henry Holt and Company, New York,  1999.

The Witherspoon Institute. "Marriage and the Public Good: Ten Principles." Princeton, NJ, June 2006.