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What makes for a great first date?
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Dear Annie, I don’t have any trouble meeting women, and getting dates. The problem is that I never get past the first date. I don’t get it. I’m an attractive, nice guy with a good career, and am well groomed, and polite. I’ll do everything that I can to impress her. What do you think is going on? Elliot
First dates can be tough. It’s hard to relax and be yourself when you are trying to dazzle someone. After all, you don’t want to be perceived as a loser. In our time-crunched society, it seems that no one wants to waste any time with the Wrong One. If you think about dating in this way, it puts you under so much pressure that it can make it even more difficult to succeed.
The next time you're out on a date, do your best to be your real self. Treat it as an opportunity to discover whether you and your date have rapport. If you enjoy spending time together, you'll know when it's time to decide that you want to move forward romantically.
Keep these guidelines in mind--they will increase your chances of a great first date:
• Keep it casual and low-key. Save your extravagant gestures until after you know each other better.
• Best first date venues: Lunch, dinner, walk, drinks and appetizers, farmer’s markets, local events or festivals. It should be easily affordable, with a low noise level that doesn’t impede conversation.
• Treat a discussion like a tennis game—you’re exchanging information. Smile, and keep it light and flirtatious, upbeat and positive. You should be talking about half the time. Be sure to ask her questions. Do talk about your interests and passions, while you’re discovering what makes her tick.
• Reveal personal information gradually. Your date doesn’t need to know everything about you right now. This isn’t the time to talk about other dates or relationships, your therapist, your traumatic childhood, job, health or money worries. Ditto for discussing sex, except on an “as needed” basis.
• Only discuss business briefly. Otherwise the date can deteriorate into a networking exercise. You want to get to know your date on a personal level.
• Do not take your checklist out on the first date. Third dates are much more appropriate. By then you’ll have an idea whether you really like each other.
• You should offer (and expect) to pay. She will interpret it as a sign of generosity. And, if likes you, she should offer (and not expect) to pay. On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to see you again, she should insist on paying her way, as she shouldn’t be accepting a romantic gesture under those circumstances.
If you follow these guidelines, you’ll have more fun while you increase your odds of getting to the next date.
Coming up: If you're a woman who is having trouble meeting men, sign up for my Saturday, June 6 workshop, How to Meet and Attract Great Single Men (Even in San Francisco). I will also be facilitating two Flirting Field Trips for men and women, in San Francisco. Dates: Thursdays, June 11 and June 25. For more information or to register, click on the calendar links at www.getalovelife.net.
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles who are frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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