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Dear Annie, Al, my boyfriend of two years, has just moved out. The breakup was not horrible and I plan to be back on the market soon. However, between full-time work and graduate school, I don't have a lot of time for dating.
How long should I wait after breaking up before I go out there again? I think there should be some time between men, so I don't fall victim to the "rebound" effect. What do you think? Louise
There is no one-size-fits-all solution. If you and Al were committed to being life-long partners, your recovery-time would probably be different than if you were living together in order to see if you were compatible for a long-term relationship. Was the break up sudden and unexpected? Who instigated it? Did you feel relieved when you went your separate ways, or were you crushed or angry?
Some people bounce from person to person after a break-up, seeking validation and reassurance that they are still loveable and attractive. They often leave a trail of tears in their wake. If you are looking for a replacement or for someone to assuage your loneliness, you will be more vulnerable to heartbreak.
Before you start dating again, get back in touch with yourself. How did being with Al change your perspective? What have you learned? Don’t fall into the trap of deciding that your next love will have nothing in common with Al. Instead, become aware of behavioral patterns that you don’t want to repeat.
Why not ease back into the dating world by getting out of the house and connecting with old and new friends. Do something social that you’ve always wanted to do: learn to dance, play tennis or golf, travel with a friend, or volunteer for a cause that interests you. Once you are not feeling lonely, new love is more likely for spring from mutual attraction, connection and compatibility.
Before you start to date, resolve any lingering anger towards Al. If you find yourself believing that “all men are…(whatever Al’s negative traits were)”, it’s probably too soon to start dating. Don’t expect a new man to make up for any of Al’s misbehavior. When you believe that a new guy will be different from the last, and feel that you can trust your detective work to discover their positive and negative traits, you’ll be ready to venture into the dating world.
Coming up:
San Francisco's annual Bay to Breakers race is coming up Sunday, May 17. Join me at KGO-TV's the View From the Bay booth at the ING Greater Body Expo, a 2-day health/fitness event on Friday, May 15 and Saturday, May 16 at Bill Graham Civic Auditorium in San Francisco. Check out exhibitor booths and try out new fitness apparel and gear. If you're participating in the Bay to Breakers, this is the place to pick up race t-shirts and race packets and register.
I'll also be at the KGO-TV the View From the Bay booth at the Bay to Breakers post-race concert and festival in Golden Gate Park's Polo Fields.
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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