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The vanishing man
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Julie didn’t know what to do next. Her new love, Gene, had suddenly dropped out of sight. During the three months that they had been dating, he had been attentive, caring, and loving. He called and emailed her several times a day. Abruptly, he stopped contacting her. He didn’t return her calls. She feared for his safety. Still, there was a nagging thought in the back of her mind--he’d seemed a little distant in the past few days. “Even so,” she asked, “wouldn’t he tell me if there was a problem?”
She considered checking with his friends, but she had only met them in passing. Should she call his employer to see if he was still alive? Finally, her fears were assuaged when she went online, and discovered that he had been active on match.com within the last 24 hours. She became furious that he would break up with her without saying anything. “What happened?” she asked me.
The disappearing man leaves a woman devastated and confused. Most often, he goes from being present, adoring, and caring to being invisible and unattainable. She doesn’t understand his behavior. After all, he spent time courting her and gaining her trust. They talked about everything, which led her to believe that he wasn’t hiding anything from her. In reality, he doesn’t know how to express his mixed feelings.
Most likely, this is how it appeared to Gene: He was genuinely smitten with Julie. As the reality-check phase of their relationship occurred, he was reluctant to voice any dissatisfaction to her. After all, he loved making her happy, and believed that he could take 100% of the responsibility to make it work. Operating under this burden made it impossible for him to be himself. He couldn’t feel comfortable with Julie, and had no idea how to explain it to her. He just knew that this relationship wasn’t what he was looking for.
At this point, most men would bite the bullet and have a painful break-up conversation. However, men like Gene panic because they feel overwhelmed, and then cope by withdrawing. They are blissfully unaware of the agony that their sudden disappearance generates.
It’s rare that confusing and conflicting feelings don’t surface in a relationship around the three-month mark. If you accept and discuss them with your partner as they come up, you might discover that a small tweak in how you’re handling your connection might work for both of you. If not, you’ll both know why you’re not compatible.
If you’ve been the victim of a disappearing man, recognize that he didn’t have the communication skills that support true intimacy. Be aware that this was not your fault, and that there was nothing you could have done to fix it. And if he should resurface, and beg for forgiveness, run in the other direction!
Coming up this weekend:
Saturday April 11: The Singles Charity Ball will be held this Saturday Saturday, April 11, 8pm-Midnight
100% of your tax-deductible donation of $20/door goes to The Seva Foundation to cure blindness.
LOCATION: Westin St Francis Hotel on Union Square California Ballroom,Mezzanine Level, 335 Powell St, between Post & Geary, San Francisco CA 94102
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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