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Is waiting for him to ask you out manipulative?
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Dear Annie, It's antiquated for you to push the idea that a woman should wait for a guy to ask her out. You’re advocating that she should play a bunch of manipulative games to trick him into asking her for a date. It's just not honest.
If you get to know a guy, and sense that he might be interested in you, why not just ask him to go to lunch or something? A lot of the guys I know are very shy nerdy scientists. They deserve to date, too. Why should the onus be on them to do the asking? Some of them might never date if female shy nerdy scientists didn't ask in the first place.
I guess if I wanted to date guys in their 60's and 70's your advice might be valid. But I'm interested in guys who are in their 40's. Things were changing when I was dating in the early 80's, and guys that age are open to being approached. Please stop pushing your antiquated, manipulative ideas. “Sandy”
Dear Sandy, If I could change human nature, I would agree with you. After all, it would be so much easier if a woman could ask a guy out, and expect him to be as intrigued with the request as she would be if he had asked her. Of course, there are exceptions. But as a professional who advises people about love and dating, I'm not about to recommend they do something that is likely to fail.
It's all about biology. Now that they can see inside the brain, neuroscientists are discovering physiological differences in how men and women respond to situations. Most men are intrigued by pursuit.
I’m not suggesting that you trick a man into asking you out. What I’m suggesting is that you let him know that you would like to go out with him, and give him the opportunity to ask – or not – without either of you losing face. Send him a message that says: “I’m interested in you. If you’re attracted to me, I’d love it if you ask me out.”
Even “nerdy scientists” are capable of asking a woman out if she sends him unambiguous signals that she’s interested. If you express interest in what is going on in his life, make eye contact and smile, and touch his arm or shoulder when you’re talking, most men will figure it out after a while. If he doesn’t, ask him if he’s interested in an activity that appeals to you. If he says yes, tell him you’re thinking about going. Be quiet for a moment. If he doesn’t ask you out, odds are that he’s not interested in you.
Often men will date a woman who asks them out because they don’t want to hurt her feelings by saying no. Most relationships that result from those interactions don't last. Many guys will get involved with a woman with whom they’re certain that they have no future, because they like her and they're enjoying sex. She might believe that he will commit sooner or later. But he never does, because he knew that she wasn't the one all along. If he thought that she might be “The One”, he would have asked her out in the first place.
Most men are more likely to take the step of asking you out if they know you're interested. Nerdy scientists included.
Join me and Mason Grigsby, co-author of Love at SECOND Sight: Playing the MidLife Dating Game on Tuesday, April 7, from 7:00 - 9:00PM as we give brief talks about midlife dating. You'll meet other midlife singles at this mixer, sponsored by Rich Gosse and the Society of Single Professionals. Location: Kingfish, 201 South B St, corner of 2nd Ave, Downtown San Mateo, 94401
For tips about how to make the most of online dating, sign up for my April 4-part Keys to Successful Online Dating Teleclass held at 7PM Monday evenings --only $99. You'll come out of it with a great profile and in-depth knowledge about how to be successful online.
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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