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How can he go from hot to cold with no explanation?
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Dear Annie --I've recently started dating again, and I’m having difficulties sorting things out. Recently I met a guy, Rich, on Match.com. He told me that he has been separated for about 18 months and is in the process of a divorce.
We had a great first date. He was a nice guy; polite, thoughtful and charming. We took a long walk, discovered that we had lots in common, and agreed that we would like to see each other again.
Shortly after, he went on a business trip to the East Coast. While he was there, he wrote the most wonderful emails and let me know how much he looked forward to seeing me again.
He’s been back in town for over a week. He told me that he's been busy with a big court case and some other issues. He no longer emails or calls. It seems so odd because he was so attentive and engaged before. I don’t understand why he couldn't wait to see me one minute, and faded away the next.
He is still active on Match.com. I'd like to send him an email to tell him that I would prefer that he let me know if he is not interested. I assume that he's pursuing other matches. It would be considerate if he would provide some closure. I think that this would make me feel better, even if he doesn't reply.
It's such a weird turnaround. I think something else is going on that he doesn't want to share -- and that's OK. On to the next adventure is my motto. Baffled.....Melanie
Hi Melanie,
Let’s put this in perspective. You and Rich have exchanged emails and spent a few hours together. No matter how meaningful it was to you, you don’t know him well enough to know why he is behaving this way.
Let’s look at a couple of possible scenarios. He could have returned from his trip and been too busy to reach out and interact. His caseload might be so heavy that he has no idea when he’ll be available for another date, and he doesn’t want to call you until he can make time for you. He may have been “just looking” on Match.com simply to relax.
Maybe he had a great time with you, but he’s not ready to move forward – or to tell you that he doesn’t want to see you. He might not sure what he wants to do next. He could be preoccupied or a little unhinged by his pending divorce, and cautious about getting involved just yet. If this is the case, he’s not contacting you because he is somewhat confused and hasn’t made any decisions.
He could have met the love of his life, decided that he doesn’t want to see you, and hasn’t thought to tell you. He might have gotten a wicked case of the flu. The point is that all of this is conjecture. You simply don’t know what is going on inside his head. Because dating mostly involves getting to know a total stranger, it’s important to create strong emotional boundaries, and let a new person inside gradually. Remember the old saying “actions speak louder than words.” When someone who you like calls and shows up repeatedly, then it’s time to open up emotionally. Until then, continue to pursue other options.
Don't send Rich an email asking him what is going on after only date. Instead, you might decide to wait and see what happens. Or, you could simply write him off and move on. If he had a catastrophe in his life that prevented him from calling, he’ll appreciate it. If not, you’ve learned that he’s not the kind of guy you want in your life.
In the future, get to know a guy over the period of a few dates before getting invested emotionally. Most dating relationships end after the first date. If you make it past the third date, the next most common break-up time is the three-month mark. At that point, you’re entirely justified in asking for closure. Unfortunately, it’s simply not realistic to expect to have a conversation about parting ways after only one date.
In an ideal world, everyone would communicate clearly and honestly while they are dating. In real life, people are often confused about their own emotions and often imagine what is motivating someone whom they barely know. The best way to handle it is to act in response to what is actually happening. If you don’t like how you’re being treated, simply wave goodbye and move on.
Bay Area happenings this weekend:
Valentine’s events are popping out all over. Check out these fabulous dances on Saturday, February 7.
Join Cynthia Glinka and The San Francisco Starlight Orchestra for an evening of great hot and sweet jazz from the1920s and 1930s. Dance to an authentic1920's and 30's style dance orchestra playing original orchestrations of the Jazz Age.
Cynthia’s one-hour lesson before the dance will teach anyone how to dance. Singles and couples welcome, as there are always plenty of dancers on hand.
Bring a picnic & refreshments. Desserts and soft drinks will be available for purchase.
Time: Lesson with Cynthia Glinka from 7pm - 8
Dancing to the San Francisco Starlight Orchestra from8pm - 11
Place: Strawberry Recreation Center
118 East Strawberry Drive, Mill Valley, CA 94941
Admission: $20
Beachcomber Singles is sponsoring a Valentine’s Dance with music by DJs Dan and Kim of Now Playing. Beachcombers always has great food...this time, a spaghetti dinner. They came up with the menu because of the romantic scene in 'Lady in the Tramp'. There will be great food, very friendly folks, and great music
Time: 8:30 – 12:30
Place: Orinda Masonic Hall
9 Altarinda Rd
Orinda, CA
Cost: $15 members, $20 non-members
Contact me with your dating questions and suggestions annie@getalovelife.net
Check out my interview on KGO TV View From The Bay last Tuesday at 3PM. Hair by Gene Hays at Mes Amis Makeup by Bare Escentuals
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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