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Is he serious about me?
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Dear Annie, I’ve been going out with Mark for five months. He told me that he hasn’t ever felt like this about anyone before. We see each other on the weekends and one evening during the week. We talk on the phone almost every day. We’ve been in this pattern for a couple of months. I’d like to see more of him. I think I’m the only person he’s dating—I’m not seeing anyone else--but I’d like to be sure about him. How can I find out if he’s serious about me without scaring him away? Louise
Dear Louise, Men express their feelings with their actions. If he’s not gradually increasing “together time,” he’s probably satisfied with the status quo. If he’s serious about you, he will show you by spending more time with you or asking you to commit to an exclusive relationship.
How do you move him in this direction? Limit your availability. Let him be the person to initiate dates and the vast majority of phone calls. Make plans with friends, so that if he asks you out less than 48 hours in advance, you’ll be busy. If he is moving towards a long-term relationship, he will quickly realize that he has to plan ahead.
A mistake that many women make is to date one man exclusively, and assume he is doing the same thing. Even though he’s your main squeeze, don’t shut the door to others. If a guy can gain your loyalty without giving up his options, he likely has no motivation to move towards a more committed relationship. Often a man is capable of having a lengthy liaison with a woman for whom he cares but has no intention of marrying. Create a life without him—take a class, do other things that will help you meet new people. Keep up with your girlfriends. Don’t save every weekend for him—go away with a girlfriend or take an all-day workshop. His response will let you know if he cares enough to commit.
Until he does, date other men occasionally. Unless he has asked you to be exclusive, you are free to see whomever you like. If you are sleeping with him and want to be sexually monogamous, you may have to choose between Mark and another guy in the future.
If he asks you to be exclusive, be sure to clarify what he means. Just because he wants you to be his one and only, it doesn’t always mean that he is thinking about a future with you. Men see things differently than women. As one of my male clients has asked, “When you talk about monogamy, are you talking about monogamous for now, or are you talking about monogamy leading to something more serious?” Men don’t always see monogamy as the first step towards a lifetime commitment.
The best way for a woman to handle dating is to continue to live a full and active life, while including her suitors in it whenever possible. A man will show her how much he wants her in his own life by his actions.
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San Francisco based midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles who are frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
For more info: Check out dating classes, events and midlife dating information at www.getalovelife.net or email annie@getalovelife.net
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