RSS
Home
Handling hot pursuit
Print
Email
RSS
Subscribe
What do women want? One day they’re complaining that you don’t call enough. The next thing you hear they need more space. What’s a guy to do? Pay attention to how she acts, and respond accordingly. If you’re not sure, ask her. Sarah’s* unfortunate ex ignored all of her signals.
Dear Annie,
I just broke up with a nice guy who was just too pushy! On our first date, he instantly came to the conclusion that I was wonderful. He proceeded to come on like gangbusters. Within an hour into our second date, he was already talking about “we.” I felt flattered, but overwhelmed, as I barely knew him! He suggested, not just another next date, but everything under the sun. Then he told me that after six years of dating on-line, I was by far the most attractive, best quality date he had ever had. I liked him enough to give us a chance to get to know each other. I thought that I could handle his intensity when, in fact, I was overwhelmed.
He called me every day. He wanted to get together all the time and insisted that I make a commitment. Finally, he gave me an ultimatum. He wanted me to date him exclusively after just three months! I just wasn't ready to "go steady!" The sad part is that we had great conversations and enjoyable times together. I thought that we had the potential to have a good relationship. But he just couldn't relax and let things happen naturally. We were going in the right direction, but he wanted to go way faster than I did.
The bottom line is: are men really that binary? Does the switch only go on or off? Isn’t there a middle setting? Or do some guys, somewhere, know how to interact with a little more subtlety?
It seems that if I’m interested, I’m often getting the full-on attack. Their e-mails and calls multiple times a day overwhelm me. Do I give up because it is all projection and fantasy on their part, or should I try to “train” them? For example, should I say things such as, “I like you. I’m enjoying this passionate exchange. But I can’t respond to this much attention from you all day long. Can you just back off a little, but not go away?” Are they capable of receiving this message or will it just be seen as rejection and criticism from me? That much of a come-on actually scares me.
What if this happens again? How should I handle it?
Sarah
Dear Sarah
Anyone can become infatuated without getting to know the other person first. Brain chemistry has a lot to do with it. Some people have a slower response pattern than others. Instant love is frightening because once you become acquainted with each other; you often wonder how you even got to know them and who they really are. Then the switch gets abruptly shut off, which often creates pain and remorse.
To avoid that, it’s imperative that you slow down until you get to know the other person. If you’re someone who falls instantly in love, there are ways to slow it down. Dating coaching techniques can help.
Your best defense is to keep your wits and boundaries about you. Teaching a date how to treat you should then be easy. It’s fine to tell him that you need more space. At the same time, let him know that you do care about him. I absolutely love your sentiment about backing off but not going away. Or you could say "I need more space this early in a relationship" or "I just need to get to know you more gradually." Feel free to tell him when he can or can't call. Communicating kindly about when you’re available is key. If a man cares for you, this isn’t likely to be perceived as insult or rejection. Ask him once, maybe twice and he should respond. Any more than that, and you would be wise to forget about him.
Finally, give they guy the benefit of the doubt. We all have different expectations of courtship. Maybe the last woman he was involved with wanted more attention and needed to be heavily pursued.
Here's to a great love life! Annie
NEW! Where is the best place in the San Francisco Bay Area to meet singles? I will start posting your suggestions weekly on Fridays starting August 15. Please send your dating or meeting venues, dating stories or questions to annie@getalovelife.net
*Names are changed
Related Articles:
Comments
