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Handling holiday breakups
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“I love the holidays,” Peter laughed. “No one ever breaks up during that time!” I was taken aback—that certainly wasn’t my experience. In recent years, two of my relationships ended over the holidays. The first was after Thanksgiving. A couple of years later I was shocked when my then-boyfriend, Harry, told me that he didn’t want to see me again just a few hours before our New Years Eve date was about to start. How could it be that Peter and I have had such different experiences?
A couple of days later, Alice, who had been pondering whether she had a future with Nick, told me that she was ready to end their relationship. While discussing holiday plans, she learned that he expected that they would spend Thanksgiving with her family. She was so uncomfortable with the idea that she realized that they couldn’t have a future together. Alice isn’t unique. Holidays, and the obligations that go along with them, can be the reality check that puts an end to a not-quite-right relationship.
Ed and Julie, both in their mid-forties, were dating for most of last year. They celebrated a promising Thanksgiving with her kids. However, when Julie’s parents visited for the month of December, they made it clear that they didn’t approve of Ed’s background. Julie told Ed that she would respect their wishes, and that she couldn’t see him until after they left. Even though he was deeply disappointed, he bought her extravagant holiday gifts. When they resumed dating in January, it was clear that they were not connecting on the same level, and their relationship quickly ended.
Tanya and Frank have been together for almost three years. Frank has found a reason to disappear before each Thanksgiving, resurfacing after Valentine’s Day, begging for another chance. If Frank repeats his commitment-phobic behavior this year, Tanya will not allow him to return.
Unrealistic holiday expectations can create havoc when you are in a new relationship. If both of you are in sync, it’s easy. However, if one of you expects to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner, or spend Christmas or New Years Eve with your sweetie, and the other isn’t ready, you may be headed for disappointment. If you’ve only been dating for a few months, let it go.
If you are jilted during the holidays, reach out to your friends. Take advantage of the party season, and go to as many parties or events as you can. Talk and flirt with as many people as possible, even if you aren’t ready to get involved right away. You can always make friends--you never know where that could lead. After my New Years Eve breakup, I managed to go to 4 parties in the next 30 hours. During the second party, I renewed an old friendship with the man who is now my fiancé. Even though we didn’t date until a year and a half after that party, it was the beginning of a great relationship.
If your relationship ends during the holidays, recognize that it was inevitable. Go out and meet new people; staying home probably won’t help you feel better. I will be posting links to holiday singles parties throughout the season.
Contact me with your dating questions and suggestions annie@getalovelife.net
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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