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How to spot an unhealthy relationship before it becomes dangerous
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The Lesson: An relationship can go from bad to fatal very quickly.
Much has been written about the importance of recognizing signs of an unhealthy teen relationship. And rightfully so, since so much has been in the news about relationships gone tragically wrong—such as the recent Steve McNair tragedy and the Brown-Rihanna beating. In addition, the statistics regarding domestic and date violence is on an alarming incline, especially among teens. One in ten teens report that they have experienced violence in their relationships. Parents have been warned about the increasing threat of date violence and abuse among teens. We parents are encouraged to be very present with our teens in order to keep communications lines open and to be observant of how our teens are relating to and with their friends. We want to be diligent about recognizing the red flags of relationship trouble.
But what about the relationships that do not result in the kind of injuries sustained by Rihanna? What about the kind of relationships that remain under the radar--no signs of abuse, no record of violence? What about the relationships that are more subtlely troublesome, such as when one person is a little too possessive or attached, or one person is unusually insecure and jealous. How do you flesh out if the boy your daughter is dating is older than he claims, or married?
What about if your son is much more serious about a girl than she is about him? What if he thinks they are ‘an item’ and she doesn’t even know that they are a couple? How do you help your teen head off relationship imbalances and misaligned expectations before they get down the road to true dysfunction?
Most teen relationships begin, carry-on and end with the normal array of teen emotion and healthy learning behavior. But is there a way to help your teen navigate in order to stay in safe waters?
Dr. Ruth Peters, clinical psychologist, has for thirty years specialized in treating children, adolescents and families in her private practice and around the country. She has written many books focusing on helping folks parent their children through normal and troubled times. With regard to teen relationships, Dr. Peters offers these suggestions to parents of teens in love:
1. No matter how unrealistic or inappropriate the desire, do not ridicule your child. Their feelings should be respected.
2. Keep communication open and your judgments to yourself, so that your teen does not become secretive.
3. Without judgment, discuss with your teen your family values and expectations. As a minimum, set forth the following standards :
a. The love interest must be enrolled and attending school;
b. He or she must be close to your child’s age;
c. Must have no history of legal problems;
d. Must not be involved in substance use or abuse; and
e. Must be reasonably polite in the presence of you, the parents.
4. If the love interest meets the above requirements, then let your child govern the relationship. And you should try to enjoy the experience and your child’s happiness. You should keep an eye on whether or not the relationship becomes obsessive or starts to overly interfere with regular activities. And you should keep firm with curfew adherence and continue to require full disclosure regarding what your teen is doing and with whom.
5. Use the relationship as a way to get to know your teen—his or her interests and friends and how she is faring socially. This is also an opportunity to keep the lines of communications open and interactive. Get to know the boyfriend or girlfriend by periodically including him or her in your family activities. Give the couple positive reinforcement by complementing the way they treat each other. But also appropriately respect their privacy and space.
I love Dr. Peter’s suggestions because they provide a balanced approach to giving your child freedom to grow and develop fully his or her inter-personal skills, while also providing structure and support. In this way, you are involved enough to see any signs of unhealthy behaviors. Dr. Peter also offers some guidelines for when you perceive that your teen's relationship is “getting out of hand”. Her suggestions recognize the parent’s need to act firmly and decisively when things become dangerous. But she also takes into consideration the reality that teens are very good at keeping parents in the dark. The key to remember is that when a relationship gets dangerous or violent or obsessive, your teen is likely out of control and in need of your help. Click HERE to see Dr. Peter’s suggestions for what to do when things go bad.
ALSO SEE: How to Mend a Teenaged Broken Heart
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