Death by Goose

June 12, 3:30 PMApocalypse ExaminerWyatt Shev

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Behold the true face of evil

Greetings fellow paranoids... it's been a while. I know I've been distant, but I've been dealing with a few of my own personal Armageddons.

Now, I'm not a particularly intelligent or perceptive person- anyone who's read any of my previous posts can attest to that. But if I can give the youth of America one little piece of advice, it's this- don't get married.

Seriously. You'll regret it.

But now the fallout's settled, and I'm ready to shock and terrify you once more- with this, my fiftieth article as Apocalypse Examiner.

This time around, I'm going to explain why the common goose- more specifically, the migratory Canadian goose- is out for your blood.

Remember US Airways Flight 1549 and the courageous Captain Sully? He's the cool cat who managed to crash-land his airliner on the Hudson River- without sustaining a single fatality.

The cause for the crash wasn't pilot error or mechanical failure- it was a flock of Canadian geese, which the jet collided with shortly after take-off. Sounds like a freak occurence, right?

Wrong. You are so, so wrong.

The truth is, birds like the Canadian goose represent a much greater threat to air commuters than a loose lug-nut or the occasional tipsy Southwest pilot. The aviation industry has tried it's best to downplay the dangers of a collision with these avian terrorists, but with Flight 1549 garnering so much international attention, it seems the free ride is about to end for airlines worldwide. For instance, did you know that bird collisions at major U.S. airports have doubled since 2000? There have been over 89,000 reported incidents in the nation since 1990, and 28 'major' incidents since 2000 where a collision with a bird or other animal completely destroyed an aircraft.

So why aren't we all more worried about this?

The big airlines figure ticket sales will drop if passengers know the true threats inherent in their aerial commute. Whilst commercial flights are still technically the safest way to travel, it doesn't take a genius to imagine the levels of hysteria that could be generated here.

A widespread knowledge of avian aviation hazards could mean a massive migration to alternative (and more energy efficient) forms of transport, like rail and by ship. It stands to reason that the big airlines probably have a special relationship with the media. Lord knows they've got a very special relationship with the U.S. government.

But the fair city of New York, energized by the 'Miracle on the Hudson', is about to lift the veil once and for all.

In the areas surrounding NYC, the population of Canadian geese has exploded. With plenty of fresh water, grassy lawns, wetlands and a complete lack of predators, these feathery interlopers have found a perfect home in the Empire State. At up to 10 lbs in weight, just one goose is more than enough to take out a small plane, or, potentially, a commercial jetliner, depending on where the bird-missile strikes. Captain Sullenberger reported a large number of geese 'filling the windshield' of his Airbus A320... it's a wonder he was able to land his craft at all, let alone save the lives of 155 passengers and crew.

In the aftermath of the near-tragedy, the city is engaged in a concerted, long-term effort to combat this growing problem. There are a number of schemes in place to reduce the local geese population, which is estimated at about 25, 000. A mass culling program has been proposed, targeting parks and nature reserves within a five mile radius of La Guardia and JFK. It's moulting season for the Canadian goose, which means the ungainly birds can't fly- and should provide easy targets for trigger-happy New Yorkers.

Unfortunately, the birds will be euthanized via humane veterinary practises, putting to rest my violent fantasies of a city-wide goose slaughter. Shame. It could have been Thanksgiving for months.

But never fear, my fellow bloodlusters! In addition to patrolling the parks, airport staff will literally shoot trespassing birds from the sky... hopefully, with semi-automatic rifles. Now that's more like it!

The city is also planning to install a sophisticated bird radar system in all of the city's airports. This could take several years, but will apparently provide a lasting defence agains the ever-present threat of avian aviation collision, or AAC. This is a term I am coining in this very blog. Please tell all your friends.

So how long will it be before other U.S. cities start to take this cue from the Big Apple? I'm guessing it'll take another tragedy or two before our society wakes up and smells the goose fat.

Don't worry, though... I'll be there to make light of said tragedy. So it won't be a total loss.

There are now only 1287 days left until the End of the World.