Let's get tanked

April 1, 2:53 PMApocalypse ExaminerWyatt Shev

Previous Next

2 comments Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Apocalypse Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

The JL 421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser /Tank

When fire starts raining down from Heaven above, it’s time to face a few hard facts. I mean, let’s face it. Your life is probably about to end, as well as the lives of everyone you know and have ever known. Society will crumble and history devour itself, the many and gloried accomplishments of man simply vanishing into the hazy mists of time. Worse, you’ll never find out what’s going to happen on all your favorite TV shows.  And just in case you do survive (not likely) you’re going to find your trusty old Chevy just ain’t gonna cut it anymore. To haul ass in the Wasteland, you’re gonna need a seriously mean ride.

You’re gonna need a tank.

That’s right, an actual, bona-fide tank. The kind you blow #%$ up with.

These days, any old armchair Rambo can start the tank-buying process right from the comfort of his own, well, armchair. The place to start? Tanksforsale.co.uk, of course!

This completely legitimate website offers a large variety of ex-military tanks, jeeps and trucks for sale or hire to the general public. On top of that, they offer integrated shipping and evaluation/brokerage services… the whole damn package, people.

Tanksforsale has something for everyone, from the simple, brutish elegance of a T55 Tank to their snazzy date-friendly range of FuG armored cars, to the ever-popular OT810 Armored Personnel Carrier, perfect for post-Apocalyptic soccer moms on-the-go. If you can’t find a heavy military vehicle to fall in love with here, then you’re probably not looking very hard.

Now, I’m no expert here, but I think it’s fair to assume that shipping a tank from the United Kingdom could prove to be a rather costly exercise. So unless you plan on spending your golden post-Apocalyptic years in Britain, perhaps a trip to the Amazon

(website)

is in order. For the surprisingly low price of  $19,999.95, you could drive away in a brand new JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank.

The Badonkadonk is a truly ridiculous-looking piece of equipment, somewhat resembling the theoretical offspring of a caterpillar and a turd.

But this a turd that just might save your ass one day.

The ‘Donk is encased in an armored shell of steel, complete with dust patina for that sought-after ‘deserts of Tattooine’ look. You can transport up to four fellow survivors in relative safety across a barren radiated landscape at speeds of up to 40 mph, courtesy of the cruiser’s trusty 6hp (!) unleaded engine.

Zipping across the dunes at pace, zombies won’t be much of a problem- though I’d keep an eye out for mutants, some of which have been clocked at speeds of well over 68 mph. Unfortunately, the Badonkadonk doesn’t come equipped with any manner of weaponry to help you dispatch said mutants and zombies. That being said, if you’ve got twenty large to throw down for your very own tank, then you’re probably already in possession of several firearms, so… you’re covered.

The very best feature of this tank is the 400-watt premium sound system with PA. Imagine eking out your horrible survivalist existence to a thumping Eurotrash dance beat! And hey, if the whole Apocalypse thing doesn’t pan out, at least you can annoy your neighbors with your very own PA system. As if that alone isn’t worth the heavy price tag.

I wholeheartedly recommend you warm up your credit card and hit Amazon.com right now. The JL421 isn’t just a purchase, it’s an investment in your family’s future. Just don’t try and take it out onto the open road- yet. The Feds, notorious party-poopers, have deemed this vehicle ‘unroadworthy’. But give it a few years, and I’m guessing it won’t matter anymore. If I had to give an estimation, I’d say…

There are now only 1359 days left until the End of the World.