My Area 51 janitor career

April 1, 9:37 AMNY Underground Travel ExaminerDJ Hazard

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During my travels, I’ve often had to pick up odd jobs during ‘extended layovers’. About four years ago in Nevada, I had to do just such a vocation vacation. Some call it Dreamland, some call it Area 51 or Groom Lake. A rose by any other name still needs janitors.         

It’s really not that hard to get a job there. Their reputation has made it difficult to find even adequate help, so they welcome anybody with a valid form of ID and no previous experience in any of the other areas (areas 50 and 52 being the closest). Apparently there’s a lot of competition and/or resentment between secret government bases.

Just show up at the gate and ask if they’re hiring today. The very polite guards will happily send for your very own black Hum-Vee to take you ‘downstairs’. Once inside, you actually get to pick your own job. Like to cook? You’re heading for the Soylent Green Café. I think that’s a little inside joke. They love to joke down there. I just wanted to make a few bucks for a week or two, so I asked if I could just do some sweeping, mopping and dusting. They said, “Sure, no problem.”    

Hoo, boy! Be careful what you ask for when you’re requesting what job you want! There’s a lot of dusty stuff down there! I don’t mean the UFO from the Roswell crash, the UFO from the White House lawn incident or the UFO from the much under-publicized Battle of Los Angeles. Those things are kept pretty clean.

It’s the other stuff. The stuff they keep inventing with the UFO technology and can’t find a use for. Thank goodness they were just getting rid of several warehouses of Velcro, iPod Nanos, Sham Wows, George Foreman Grills and Set and Forget It Rotisserie Ovens. But I still had to spend every day wiping down mountains of Beta Max tape decks, 8 tracks and Thigh Masters.

After my three weeks were up, they threw me a great going away party. Those guys are really nice, even the Earth people. They also gave me the best going away present I have ever received. Now I know why there’s still all those pay phones around. All I have to do is go up to one, point this little clicky-beepy thing at it and it spits out twenty dollar bills for free! That’s what pay phones are nowadays- ATMs for secret government workers.

Oh! Before I forget, per my former employer’s wishes, I have to deny the existence of Area 51 and the Sanitation Engineering Industry, especially Local 14. Phew! Almost forgot! That chip in my head was starting to get hot.

Happy April Fool’s Day, my babies.