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Everything I need to know I learned in motel rooms
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Well, not everything, but here’s a few travel tips I’ve devised:
1. Scully, Take A Look At This
If you've been living in a biosphere for the last decade or don't have the Discovery Channel, you might be the last person on Earth who thinks hotel bed spreads are clean. I'm sure there's a very nice hotel somewhere that has a special room where elves weave brand new bed spreads from untouched fabric for each and every guest five minutes before they arrive. Until I confirm the existence of such a place, take the bed spread and chuck it onto the closet floor, into the bottom drawer or unto whatever farthest off corner you shall not be negotiating.
I also like to wipe down the phone and the remote with that hand cleaner stuff that everybody and their uncle has these days. No, I'm not Howard Hughes. I just don't want to be a motel while staying at a motel.
2. Natural Fibers! Cotton! Wool! Linen! Muslin!
Not only can you roll your clothes into tight packages like your Uncle in the Navy showed you, but I’d be hard pressed to find a wrinkle that didn’t come out when you hung your clothes in a steamy bathroom. Shake them out afterwards and you should be fine.
3. Hey! How Can I Hang My Clothes In The Bathroom When Those Useless Motel Hangers Can Only Be Used In The Closet, Huh? Sniff? Whine?
Okay, listen up. Those hanger tops that stay connected to the bar can be had. Google "closed loop hangers" and explore the sites until you find a place where you don't have to buy them by bulk. Either that, or buy them by bulk and fashion them as I'm about to show you and give them to all your traveling friends. It will be one one the handiest gifts they ever received.
I got mine (two) by merely walking by a hotel room that was being renovated (isn't there always one?) and nicely asking the maintenance guy.
Snip a section from one side of the hanger top, bend back the sharp edges and presto! You now have a personal and universal motel hanger device (see photo at top- now you know what that is).
4. The Charles Kuralt Memorial Drain Plug
I don’t know who thought of it first, but I’ll credit St. Charles with the idea of having your own sink stopper. I actually recommend the flat and floppy kind. They’ll fit the sink and the tub. Sometimes even a Cro-Magnon as myself likes a bubble bath.
5. Bubble, Bubble Equals Less Toil, Less Trouble
I think the most valuable piece of road equipment I have is my electric coffeepot. These are sometimes called Hot Pots. Neither a Mr. Coffee type, like the ones already in most rooms these days, nor a percolator- just a simple maker of boiling hot water. Get one with a removable lid. I used to put opened soup cans into the boiling water to create a double boiler effect, but the labels and gunk got all over the place. I now place wider cans on top of the coffeepot, and allow the scalding steam to act as a burner. If you really want to get serious, just get a tiny little sauce pan and place it and its contents over your mini hydrothermal vent. No matter how tempted you get, never put food directly into the Hot Pot. It will instantly burn and set off the fire alarm.
I’ve also found that instant rice or Ramen noodles mixed with condensed soup will cook fairly well when sealed into a small Tupperware-type container with equal amounts of red hot water. Don’t forget there’s always Cup of Soup, instant oatmeal and instant coffee for mere mixology in a mug.
I’ve gone so far as to saw off the handle and the spout of the coffeepot, for easier packing, and then saw the handle off of my thermal mug and store it in the coffeepot. Then I store the electric cord in the mug. But, as I said before, I’m an extremist.
6. Swiss Army Knife
Make sure it has Flathead and Philips head screwdrivers. I don't know why. Watch McGuyver.
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