The Super Bowl XLIV Timeline O' Sarcasm: New Orleans 31, Indianapolis Colts 17

February 8, 12:44 AMNFL ExaminerReid Kerr

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1:00pm Central time, February 7, 2010 - CBS's pregame for Super Bowl XLIV begins, brought to you by chips, beer, Bourbon Street, and Dwight Freeney's ankle.

3:45pm - Katie Couric interviews President Barack Obama on the Super Bowl. Next, Keyshawn Johnson and Cris Carter debate health care.

5:00pm - Rihanna and Jay-Z open the kickoff show on CBS, brought to you by Hyundai, who proudly announce they are not Toyota.

5:12pm - Solomon Wilcots reports from the Saints sideline, wearing a pink tablecloth and a pink-yet-still-horribly-mismatching tie. HD TV was made for moments like this.

5:20pm - Carrie Underwood performs the National Anthem, clad in white stripper heels and an outfit that can only be described as "Naughty Ice Cream Truck Driver."

5:21pm - The camera pans the players. Nice of Jeremy Shockey to wash his hair for the occasion. He looks like Kid Rock's big brother.

5:28pm - New Orleans wins the coin flip, and Jim Nantz informs us the NFC has won the coin toss now 13 straight years, which is statistically remote. Saints fans who haven't had a Super Bowl appearance in 43 years are unimpressed.

5:38pm - After a Saints punt, Peyton Manning throws to Pierre Garcon, which prior to this season, I thought was the guy who seats you at a French restaurant.

5:39pm - Manning throws to Austin Collie, which prior to this season, I thought was a dog breed.

5:42pm - Matt Stover gets a 43 yard field goal, Colts lead 3-0.

5:45pm - Tim Tebow's Super Bowl commercial airs. Strangely, the world does not end.

5:49pm - A promo airs for the halftime show featuring the Who, showing classic concert footage of the Who. Apparently, CBS doesn't know that half of the Who are dead.

6:01pm - Pierre Garcon catches a touchdown pass to cap the longest drive in Super Bowl history. Haiti is happy, Colts go up 10-0.

Click here for part two...

OTHER SUPER BOWL TIMELINE COLUMNS:

• Super Bowl XLIII: Pittsburgh Steelers 27, Arizona Cardinals 23
• Super Bowl XLII: NY Giants 17, New England Patriots 14
• Super Bowl XLI: Indianapolis Colts 29, Chicago Bears 17
• Super Bowl XL: Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Seatle Seahawks 10
• Super Bowl XXXIX: New England Patriots 24, Phildelphia Eagles 21
• Super Bowl XXXVIII: New England Patriots 32, Carolina Panthers 29
• Super Bowl XXXVII: Tampa Bay Buccanneers 48, Oakland Raiders 21
• Super Bowl XXXVI: New England Patriots 20, St. Louis Rams 17
• Super Bowl XXXV: Baltimore Ravens 34, NY Giants 7