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Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2008 NFL Draft (pt.2)

For part one of the 2008 NFL Draft Day timeline, click here. 

 

2:50 p.m. - ESPN has to use on-screen graphics to explain how last year, the New England Patriots somehow wound up trading draft picks for Randy Moss and losing their first round draft pick for cheating, yet somehow still wound up almost undefeated and have the seventh overall pick.

2:52 p.m. - The Patriots make another monster trade, sending their pick to New Orleans. In exchange, evil genius Bill Belichick gets the Saints next pick, a pick next year, and Harry Connick Junior.

2:57 p.m. - A flurry of trade fever breaks out, as the Jaguars trade up to get defensive end Derrick Harvey. Baltimore swaps with them in exchange for four draft picks, Keyshawn Johnson's polka dot tie, and a top secret ABC memo that explains what's happening on "Lost."

3:08 p.m. - Cincinnati goes on the clock, and selects linebacker Keith Rivers. Analyst Ron Jaworski says he's a player that can "blow up the running back," which is one of the few crimes that haven't yet been associated with the Bengals.

3:16 p.m. - An onscreen graphic shows the Buffalo Bills were 30th in the league in offense, and 31st in defense. The Bills top secret draft folder holds a single piece of paper that says "Draft Needs: Everything."

3:37 p.m. - The Chicago Bears select offensive lineman Chris Williams in an attempt to keep their stable of awful quarterbacks conscious.

3:43 p.m. - With their first round pick, the Detroit Lions draft a wide receiver. Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Lions break with tradition, and just trade the pick rather than screw it up.

3:50 p.m. - An on-screen graphic indicates Arizona's 8-8 finish last year was their best season since 1998, thus reminding Cardinal fans their team has completed their decade-long march back to mediocrity.

3:55 p.m. - The Cardinals draft Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a player who sounds like a top choice in the WNBA.

4:04 p.m. - The Ravens draft quarterback Joe Flacco, who Mel Kiper, Draft Expert refers to as "an athlete." Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen sends an assistant to research whether that's important or not.

4:30 p.m. - The Dallas Cowboys go on the clock. ESPN mentions that the Cowboys trade for frequently arrested cornerback Pacman Jones is complete, thus simultaneously exciting fans and terrifying strippers all over the Dallas area.

4:39 p.m. - With the loss of running back Julius Jones, the Cowboys elect to replace him. After considering Davey Jones, Jesus Jones, Quincy Jones, and Blackbelt Jones, Dallas settles on Felix Jones.

5:10 p.m. - The Texans make their pick, which they obtained from Baltimore, who got it from Jacksonville, who won it on "Deal or No Deal."

5:35 p.m. - The first round ends with the perfect storm of NFL fanship, as the New York Jets and Giants have back-to-back picks. When the crowd realizes New York gets the final two selections because the Patriots forfeited their pick for cheating, the fans begin what can be described as the world's most overweight, alcoholic victory dance. 
 

More Draft Day mayhem:
2007 NFL Draft (Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson) timeline, click here. 
2006 NFL Draft (Vince Young, Reggie Bush) timeline, click here.  
2005 NFL Draft (Alex Smith, Pacman Jones) timeline, click here.  
2004 NFL Draft (Eli Manning, Larry Fitzgerald) timeline, click here.  
2003 NFL Draft (Carson Palmer, Charles Rogers) timeline, click here.  
2002 NFL Draft (David Carr, Joey Harrington) timeline, click here.
2001 NFL Draft (Michael Vick, LT, Philip Rivers) timeline, click here.  
2000 NFL Draft (Courtney Brown, Sebastian Janikowski) timeline, click here.
1999 NFL Draft (Ricky Williams, Donovan McNabb) timeline, click here.