Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2006 NFL Draft (pt.2)

April 21, 10:34 PMNFL ExaminerReid Kerr

11:36am: The Titans are up, and draft Vince Young, in spite of the fact that USC quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart is still on the board. And Titans coach Jeff Fisher in a USC graduate. And Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow coached Leinart in college. Leinart checks his horoscope for the day, which reads "Taurus: The stars are aligning against you. Keep your wits about you, and don't worry, it's a dry heat."

11:38am: A graphic indicates that Young is the third quarterback taken third overall since 1996, putting Young in a group with Akili Smith and Joey Harrington. Young's agent promptly sues ESPN for defamation of character.

11:46am: The New York Jets pass on Leinart, and take tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson. In another bad omen for Leinart, for the first time ever, Jets fans don't boo their team's first draft choice.

12:01pm: Already having a quarterback on the roster who's not ready to play in the NFL, Green Bay drafts linebacker A.J. Hawk. Nick Lachey stops returning Leinart's phone calls.

12:06pm: Tight end Vernon Davis is shown crying as San Francisco drafts him. ESPN analysts quickly point out that lots of people cry when they join the 49ers.

12:15pm: Analyst Ron Jaworski devotes five full minutes to raving about Leinart's qualifications, giving the impression that ESPN is about to draft him.

12:25pm: Relying on the combined 342 years of football experience of owner Ralph Wilson and general manager Marv Levy, Buffalo drafts a guy nobody has ever heard of.

12:31pm: Detroit selects linebacker Ernie Sims, ending a six-year run of first-round offensive selections that got them all the way to the 27th best offense in the league.

12:34pm: The Arizona Cardinals respond to their pressing need of having the worst pass defense in the league by finally drafting quarterback Matt Leinart.

12:35pm: Leinart realizes Arizona hasn't had a winning record in seven years, and Howie Mandel comes out to thank him for playing "Deal, No Deal, or the Cardinals".

1:04pm: Cleveland and Baltimore work a trade, which is the equivalent of Jennifer Anniston holding a parking space open for Angelina Jolie.

2:44pm: The Miami Dolphins draft defensive back Jason Allen. Meanwhile, former Miami running back Ricky Williams is courted by a Canadian Football League team, finally giving him an option to play in a country where marijuana is legal.

3:31pm: Chicago goes on the clock. Seizing the opportunity, Buffalo trades up in the draft to grab another player no one has ever heard of. The Bills then shut down the war room to hit the early bird special at Luby's Cafeteria.

4:01pm: The first round ends with New Orleans thrilled, USC disappointed, and Buffalo stunned into a suicide watch.