Urgent-need weddings, part one: illness and hospitalization

September 27, 10:09 PMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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           Not the optimal wedding location...but it'll do.
           photo by Liz West/Creative Commons license

Her eyes were filling with tears. "I have a cake at home, flowers...the cousins flew in...he really wanted to have a party..."  

And indeed, I had been booked to conduct a small, hastily-arranged wedding at home for Ellen and Thierry (not their real names.)  Thierry had just been diagnosed with an aggressive Stage 4 cancer; he and his companion of thirteen years had a three year old son, and he wanted to marry at home with his family present.  However, Thierry's family lives in France and couldn't get to L.A. immediately.  Then, late last night, Thierry abruptly went into renal failure and had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency care. 

When Ellen called me this morning to tell me the home ceremony was canceled, I suggested that I come to the hospital and establsh the legal marriage there today and we could worry about the community ceremony later.  Since the patient's condition was clearly fragile, this might be our only chance to solemnize the marriage license; she agreed, and Thierry, though exhausted and clearly in great pain, was still lucid when I arrived and thus able to be married.  Ellen will now be able to take care of him without worrying about her legal status to do so.  

This was a close call.  There are many reasons why couples are delaying marriage these days, but sometimes like Ellen and Thierry they must quickly enter a legal marriage when complications like healthcare and immigration arise.  Despite squawks from various positions along the political spectrum about "I don't want to get married because I don't need my relationship approved by the state" or "cohabiting without being married is a sin," historically civil marriage has been primarily about providing clear legal progression and documentation for property rights and inheritance, and only secondarily about social and religious norms. 

As everyone who has been following the national debate about gay marriage knows, hundreds of other rights are now folded into modern civil marriage--one of the most emotionally charged being the marital right to speak for someone in a medical emergency.  Without this right firmly in place hospitals can deny a long-time partner access to their loved one, so couples often seek a quickie marriage after an unexpected diagnosis or hospitalization to assure their spousal rights.

However, if someone is hospitalized and fighting for life, how can they appear at the marriage license bureau to obtain a license and a ceremony?  Some states have protocols for purchasing a marriage license when one party is unable to appear, but each state's procedures varies in the time and complexity involved.

Because our unique California laws allow me to issue "confidential marriage licenses," I was able to bring the marriage documents to the hospital and fortunately Thierry was able to comprehend and sign the paperwork without a trip to a Clerk's office (no matter where you marry, lucidity is always a requirement for legal consent.)  States like California, Iowa, and Florida allow one party to the marriage to bring in a notarized statement from the absent party to obtain the marriage license; some states will only accept a non-appearing couple's application by mail or may require proof of hospitalization, a court-ordered proxy, or other documents before they will issue a marriage license. 

When your loved one may be dying, dealing with bureaucratic procedures is extremely stressful.  However, it might be the only way to ensure you can take care of your partner's affairs without interference.

And here's my two cents concerning this legal privilege and the marriage equality battle raging in Maine: any person with a heart agrees that it's NOT OKAY to deny some human beings the right to speak for a beloved when he or she is ill or dying.  To do so is cruel and inhumane; this, if nothing else, makes allowing same-sex couples to legally marry a matter of conscience and a right that must be expeditiously granted.

Now back to our column:

If you are seeking help with marrying a critically ill partner, call the local marriage authority in your area immediately--it might be the County Clerk's office, a state marriage bureau, or other government entity depending on where you're located--to find out what you must do.  Do not delay: Ellen and Thierry thought they could hold off for two weeks and wait for his elderly parents to fly in from France but--as they discovered--dealing with life-challenging illness is unpredictable.  Those precious lucid moments may vanish due to medication, a secondary crisis that affects brain function, or a coma; like Thierry, seriously-ill patients frequently take rapid turns for the worse and the window of opportunity for a legal marriage may close forever. 

Sadly, I have many stories to tell of calls for help that came too late, and often because the couple mistakenly chose to bank on the sentimental value of a dressed-up wedding over these realities of late-stage illness.  Even waiting an extra day or two could be disastrous, especially if your legal status could come under assault from others.  Ellen and Thierry were lucky; others have not been, and the sadness and anger of a premature death was intensified by subsequent property, probate, and custody battles. 

Though it's lovely to have the luxury of planning a dreamy wedding, sometimes life takes a crazy turn and we have to change our course.  Love asks a lot of us in these situations; in Ellen and Thierry's case, love means they willingly undertake the difficulties of caring for each other "in sickness and in health," a vow they were able to affirm together today.  Their legal marriage, though it happened without the cake and flowers, gives them more tools for taking care of each other and will help smooth this ultimate path a little. 

I'm glad it was possible for them to achieve this legal status before it was too late; I hope all of you who might require an urgent marriage, wherever you may be, will also find a way.

Next up: Urgent-need weddings, part two: health insurance.

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.

National Wedding and Marriage Examiner Elizabeth Oakes welcomes your feedback at weddingexaminer@gmail.com; you can easily share this story or subscribe by clicking on the buttons at the top of this column, or read more of Elizabeth's stories by clicking here.

She's also happy to answer your questions about getting married in Los Angeles--check out her work and inquire about availability at MarriageToGo.Com and RosePedalsBikeWeddings.Com.

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