IS YOUR WEDDING TOO LOUD???

March 25, 12:03 AMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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                                            CAN YOU EAR ME???
                        photo: creativecommons license/roguesun media

Newlyweds, you’re going to hate me for telling you this--especially since all the guests who complained to me behind your backs made me swear I wouldn’t say anything to you--but I just spent yet another wedding reception shouting until I was hoarse just to be heard by the person next to me, so I must spill the beans.  I do so with the hope that you will gently guide your soon-to-be married peeps away from the discourteous mistake you made AND HOPEFULLY YOU WILL BE HEARD OVER THE WEDDING PLANNING DIN IN THEIR HEADS.

You’d hear about how unpleasant your wedding was from your guests yourself if they weren’t so worried about hurting your feelings....and if you had any hearing left.

Yes my friends, your wedding was too loud, and everyone hated it.  How loud was too loud?  If you had to shout when you were going table-to-table thanking friends for coming, that was too loud.  If you saw guests seated in the back of the room wincing, it was waaay too loud.  And if people left the moment they finished their entrees without waiting for your bouquet toss or your uber-expensive cake, you drove them away by creating so unpleasant an environment they couldn’t stand it anymore.  Too loud.

So here’s what you can convey to your newly-engaged friends so they won’t inflict this same pain upon others:

No one likes to shout to be heard.  Not being able to converse with old friends is frustrating, and creating a situation where the guests you carefully chose to seat together can’t exchange pleasantries or get to know one another is just plain RUDE (is THAT coming in loud and clear??)  Not everyone at your wedding--especially if you have multiple generations present--enjoys the overstimulation of dance club volume levels.  It’s your duty as a gracious host to carefully consider who will be attending your reception and what they will enjoy.  If most of your guests don’t regularly go to clubs or sit front-row at Deep Purple concerts, it’s unlikely they enjoy feeling their bones vibrate to the beat like you do.  

I’m not just talking about old fuddy-duddies with acoustic tastes here.  I’m talking about anyone who likes to interact with other people without screaming, and those who didn’t sign up to be blasted with a weaponized woofers and tweeters the moment they sat down to celebrate with you.  

There’s an easy test to determine the appropriate sound level:  ask your guests.  Once the music starts, walk around to a few tables and ask them about the volume.  Trust me--they’ll tell you if it’s uncomfortable. Then it's up to you (or whomever you designate as the Volume Enforcer) to make sure the sound levels are reset at a comfortable volume and that they stay there--they’ll creep up if the band/DJ thinks they can get away with it.  (It's clear to me that almost all band musicians and DJs are deaf--they don’t even flinch at the distortion and feedback they increasingly inflict as the night roars on.  They could also be shills for hearing aid companies or worshippers of TinnTinnAbula The Eardrum Destroyer, but no matter the cause, it’s your job to intervene when IT’S JUST TOO DAMN LOUD.) 

You can still have a poundy nightclub dance floor experience at your wedding if you want to--far be it from me to say thee nay, and having a band play is not in itself an etiquette violation. Just be thoughtful about it.  What violates good manners is not considering the comfort of all those people you carefully seated together--be they cousins, college buddies, or strangers from out-of-town with common interests--who'll want to talk to each other. If you aren’t mindful of the music you will sabotage all socializing, and for those people your wedding won't be any fun.

To mitigate the Bleeding Eardrums Effect, ask the band to point all those enormous speakers towards the dance floor instead of at the guest tables--trust me, we’ll still hear everything--and consider keeping the decibels to background levels until after dinner, coffee, and cake, when those who want to leave can do so without feeling like they’re being rude.  Then crank up the volume and the va-va-voom when the acoustic fuddies have left; that way everyone's happy and no one needs to buy a hearing aid to get home (fine if you want to split your own tympanic membrane while dancing; please just don’t take Grandpa Ellis and Aunt Myrtle’s last remaining bit of hearing out of commission too.)

If the event takes place in a multi-room venue-- a hotel, country club, or large home--it's easy to set up a dessert and coffee bar for conversationalists in a quiet room away from the booming Wedding-Night-Fever and Humpty-Dance Marathon, or consider an elegant and ambient soundscape designed for chatting during the reception, then go out with club buds for a disco/techo/death metal after-party when the formal affair is over. 

Finally, have paper cocktail napkins available at the bar--wadded-up napkin corners make excellent earplugs, and you can use the big part to write down the conversations you would have heard if only there had only been a reasonable sound level.

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.  


National Wedding and Marriage Examiner Elizabeth Oakes welcomes your feedback at weddingexaminer@gmail.com; you can easily share this story or subscribe by clicking on the buttons at the top of this column, or read more of Elizabeth's stories by clicking here.  http://www.examiner.com/x-432-Wedding-and-Marriage-Examiner

She's also happy to answer your questions about getting married in Los Angeles--check out her work and inquire about availability at MarriageToGo.Com.