Reflections on "until death do us part"

November 9, 4:09 PMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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I went to a memorial service this weekend for a man whose wedding I officiated less than a year ago; this particular couple had an intimate wedding last winter shortly after he was diagnosed with stage-four cancer, already metastasized through eighty percent of his body.  They had just celebrated the three-month birthday of their first baby when he was told he had one to three months to live.  

A lifelong athlete, determined to lick his cancer and spend a long life with his wife and child, he undertook treatment with optimism and continued working--directing a documentary, traveling with his family, squeezing every ounce of life out of the next eleven months.  Sadly, treatment, bravery, and optimism weren't enough to avoid the final outcome.

When we look back on the marriage vow from the end of married life rather than the beginning--the exit door of "death us do part"--we have an opportunity to consider whether we are building the kind of courageous love that doesn't flinch when death comes to claim our beloved.  Those of us who are facilitators for couples who wed--counselors, clergy, and officiants--have a duty to understand and respect the solemnity of this vow, to make clear that a wedding isn't merely a frothy romantic gesture:  it's the doorway to a life dedicated to the care of another, to care even when it leads, inevitably, to life's end.

Love is the underwriter of the tenderness with which we care for a spouse who is ill or dying, but legal marriage grants the important right of inheritance for partners and children--the prevailing historic reason for marriage.   Civil marriage also grants power to speak for a spouse when they cannot speak for themselves, and to ensure that all arrangements--both for the living person and, if the worst comes, their remains--can be made without interference from others.  Of all the many much-discussed benefits granted by marriage, these two alone should make it clear that the right to care for a sick or dying spouse without interference (and the right of a sick person to legally designate that person through marriage) is a human right, and one that for compassionate reasons must not be denied to anyone who seeks it.

Culturally, we like to keep our weddings optimistic.  We rarely mention--except perhaps momentarily and without much elaboration--the ultimate end of almost all successful marriages: that one partner will bury the other one.  It's fine not to emphasize this point at the wedding itself, as love gained should be celebrated just as vigorously as love lost should be mourned. 

However, to celebrate without awareness of the import of the promises made on a wedding day--the pledge to be a loyal partner until life's end--can lead to crisis when illness threatens.  Bewildered men and women who were never emotionally mature or fully invested enough to make this commitment often abandon the person they pledged to care for until death. There are several famous examples of public figures who blew off their marriages when their partner was having a health crisis; what did they think those words about "as long as we both shall live" meant?  Even if those exact words were not present in their wedding, commitment until the end of life is implicit in the marriage promise....and anyone old enough to be married can figure out that "for a lifetime" means "until death," and knows that death is inexorable.

Couples who do not undergo premarital counseling need to take it upon themselves to think carefully before they say "I do" to this powerful promise.   What does it mean, and are you prepared to see it through to the end? 

Much is made these days of the "starter marriage," the idea that marriage is disposable should it become inconvenient; I'm all for ease of divorce and the right to get out of a bad marriage, but I also believe that we're becoming too glib about giving our promise in the first place.  How do we know when we're ready to take our love to the wall?  It's an important question, and one that has been glossed over by the fantasy-based consumerist wedding businesses that target engaged couples today.

Hemingway said, "if two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it."  It's true: even under the most fortunate of circumstances, lasting love demands a price.  If we love we're going to lose that love eventually, and paradoxically the more deeply we have loved, the higher the price will seem once the bill comes.  Nothing can take away the sting of the loss of a beloved one--and yet, the alternative is a life without devotion and commitment, a life of superficial affections only.  Affections have their joys, granted, and many people prefer a free-wheeling lifestyle and the sense of freedom it gives them.  But is it pain-free?   Which costs us more in the end: investing in love, or not investing?  As always, one must decide for one's self.

If upon reflection you find you're not the investing-in-love-for-life type, might be best to reconsider walking down the aisle.  Until you're strong and compassionate enough to look death in the face and accept the certainty of having your heart broken in the end, you're not ready to pledge your life in marriage....because that is most certainly what will happen.  But don't feel guilty if you're not the marrying type; I say, enjoy the party.  Life's too short, as the skeleton at the feast will tell you should you buy him a drink.  

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you.  

National Wedding and Marriage Examiner Elizabeth Oakes welcomes your feedback at weddingexaminer@gmail.com; you can easily share this story or subscribe by clicking on the buttons at the top of this column, or read more of Elizabeth's stories by clicking here.

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