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In honor of Samhain & Honey
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Honey snoozing in her rightful place, right next to me.
This past weekend saw the arrival and departure of Samhain, a day of honoring all that we have lost-even as we have the ability to look forward and choose what to fill the voids those losses have left in our life. This year was especially poignant for me with the loss of Eli. This year has certainly seen me take some action in the area of my path to Spiritual Fulfillment!
It was a year ago during Fall I started my Broom tradition, a simple way for me to honor the changing seasons-my way of getting closer with Mother Nature and her cycles. This year I am adding to that by a (very) conscious choice to put more effort into my Rituals for Samhain, Yule, Beltane, etc. There is at least one article in me waiting to burst forth in relation to my own personal failing delight in Christmas. I am certain that I am not alone in my disdain for the disgusting materialistic orgy this season has become! At some point I resigned myself to the fact that someday Christmas would start before Halloween...and yes, there he is, Santa right next to Dracula. Sigh.
In honor of all the areas of my life I am trying to grow into, I took part in my first ever Public Samhain Ritual at the Witches Ball. I also went to a friends' Halloween party dressed in my (still under construction) Belly Dance costume. Yes, someday I hope to wear this outfit while I instruct other women to find their own power through the Goddess within. But, just wearing it in front of people was a really big, and daunting, first step for me. I can't say as I felt 'comfortable' for even two seconds that night, but I DID IT! I then came home and shared a private Ritual with Doug in our livingroom, which was fun because I was once more comfortable. I love wearing my Belly Dance attire at home! (yes, as Alex always reminds us, life is about Baby Steps)
During a snow storm last season I had an experience with Spiral Dancer, my mare, that made me say to myself "I want to ride in the snow more often!". With last weeks 'first big storm' of the year I found myself wanting to re-experience the magik of riding in falling snow-but the wind kept me inside! Days later, on our way down the driveway going to the Halloween party I thought "This would be PERFECT to ride in!". The moon was near full, there was still snow on the ground reflecting the Moonlight-but I was on my way somewhere. The next night I took her out for a Moonlit ride and the sight of our shadow reflected on sparkling snow made me joyous!
Because this is the time of year when the veil 'between the worlds' is thinnest, I decided it was time to release a very specific guilt I have held onto for the past 10 years.
For this I required help from my friend and professional Animal Communicator Joyce Leake. It was 10 years ago that I lost Honey, she was my 'very first' dog of my own-a white Boxer. After a particularly heart-wrenching breakup I decided I was done with men for the time being & needed a real companion-so I found me a Boxer puppy and named her Honey. (Yes, so I would actually have someone to say "Honey, I'm home!" to after work)
She was a joy, the perfect example of life lived as a Dog. She enjoyed everything, especially rides in the car to go visit Auntie Ann or to the Barn to visit the horses. I have always been a cat/horse person, but there has always been something about Boxers that I have liked. A Boxer puppy is about as close to irresistible as you can get! She was crate trained when she came home, but as soon as it was clear she could hold her bodily functions overnight, she joined me in bed. Not on the bed, she slept under the covers with me, her sweet head on her very own pillow.
Then, when she was maybe 6 months old her life was cut short by a stupid, sad accident that left me wracked with guilt. Not only the guilt you feel when there were a thousand different ways those few moments could have gone-but the terrible heart-wrenching guilt that my anger when I saw the disaster of a mess this accident created over-rode my concern for Honey. It didn't even occur to me that she might be hurt, not until her behavior alerted me that something wasn't right with her. At the moment I realized she was dying, I let out a wail of grief so strong I received phonecalls from my two closest friends at the time within 10 minutes. They both voiced this sudden feeling that they needed to call me, an unsettling 'knowing' that something was wrong. I wish they had been wrong.
I have held that grief, guilt and remorse close to my heart all this time.
Well, as I make more conscious efforts/choices and actions to focus on the positive in life, I realize it's time to let go of old patterns, habits, emotions and ways of dealing with life that no longer serve me. It serves me not to cling to guilt. I've always had this notion that were Honey able to sit across from me and speak she would tell me that she knows how much I loved her, that I didn't really mean to tell her she was a bad girl as she was beginning her transition. Yet, wow! How stubbornly we hold onto negative emotions when they are more familiar than their positive brethren!
Joyce was happy to assist me in this process and found Honey easy to connect with. The first thing she noticed was Honey's concern for the remorse I clung to over her untimely death. While she did admit there had been a time when she was a little caught up in feelings closer to "How dare you!", she was quite clear in pointing out how different our memories are. I tend to gravitate towards those last moments, always hating myself for not realizing she was not ok. She was quick to tell Joyce that what she remembers is Security, Safety and Warmth from her time with me.
Her biggest message was "The lesson is learned!"
I know that my immediate lesson 10 years ago was that NO MATERIAL POSSESION is more important than the lives of those we love. You think you know that, but when faced with broken things, none of which held more meaning than the love Honey freely poured onto me, I forgot it long enough to be angry when I should have been tenderly whispering her into her next phase. In order to show Honey and prove to myself that I would never forget that lesson, I sold my most prized possesion at the time: a Canyon Coral Pink 1957 Bel Air. Sometimes I regret selling Belle (yes, she had a name & I even sent birth announcements to family when I bought her!), yet I can't think of Belle without thinking of Honey.
Joyce had some great advice of her own to help me physically release the guilt from my body when I think of Honey. It's amazing how much lighter my memory of Honey has become in the past couple of days since talking with Honey through Joyce. Now when I think of her last day, I remember how we went to the horses, she was big enough to join me & Eli in a short ride on the 'back 20" where the field was alive with yellow wildflowers. Honey happily bounded (Boxers rarely just WALK anywhere!) ahead, blazing a trail through the yellow field, her white ears flapping high above her head as she looked back to make sure we followed.
It was while preparing to make contact with Honey that I asked Jake to help me, I sat with Jake and looked at him as if he was Honey. Just for a moment I allowed myself to believe that Honey had returned to me in Jakes body. In that moment I realized how much I've held back my full affection for Jake-my guilt over Honey had spread into my relationship with Jake, simply because he looks so much like her, only Fawn in place of White.
In that moment, I clung to Jake with a solid hug, cried my eyes out (somehow delving deeper inside seems to create a flood of tears for me!) and there was a moment when I felt Honey's presence, looking at me through Jakes eyes. Later, Joyce validated my experience and explained when we let go of our ideas of time/space and instead allow the infinate possibilities of life flow, we can manifest that which we most need in that moment. Honey was looking at me through Jakes eyes and I felt only Love. Love and Joy, which Jake happily expressed for her.
We followed this wonderful, amazing moment up with a bath. Jake loves baths. I don't have to convince him to get in a bath, I have to convince him that my baths are not for him.
So, Samhain announced the ending of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. I already feel lighter, and it's only just begun.
Peace.
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