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New beginnings as the Year ends
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Going to the Witches Ball
Snow is falling, whispering in our ears that Winter is on her way. Dying leaves continue to drift on Fall breezes, reminding us of the temporary state of all life. I sit here amazed at the difference one year has made, a year I committed to living with more awareness of the cycles; not only of the year, but the cycles seen in each moment, each day-spiraling out to eternity.
I am nothing. In the larger scheme of the planet and all the life that thrives and struggles every day, I am so little as to be easily overlooked. Yet, I am everything-the power that created the Universe and all the mysteries within flow through my veins and live in my thoughts and prayers. As it does through every living entity in the Universe. I am no better, no more special than anyone or anything else, yet I am unique. It is in my uniqueness that I find my path-my personal passions and the simple things in life I appreciate as sacred continually re-new and recreate who I am today.
Every day is a new beginning, a new chance to give birth to our passions and dreams-but this time of year is absolutely meant for it.
I have been spending a lot of time pondering what it is that I wish for, what I hope to bring into my life and what I am willing to part with in order to make space for the more positive, more suitable thoughts, emotions, actions and intentions within. As I do, I see a new side of myself emerging-the solitary reaching out to find comfort and support from an extended family of like-minded people. Ok, so the path to this extended family is fairly rocky, dimly lit and hard to follow-my solitary, shy nature does not die willingly or easily! However, through the gift of our computer age I have made some delightfully surprising contacts that give me hope for my eventual move into actual physical company of such like-minded folks!
This past Saturday evening I attended the 18th annual Denver Witches Ball for the first time, with Doug in tow. He claims to have enjoyed himself, even if I could not convince him to wear the beautifully hand-crafted pheasant feathered mask my Mother bought for the occasion. The costumes surrounding me were fanciful, colorful, fun and festive. I enjoyed watching the graceful courage of 4 beautiful women who Belly Danced for our entertainment; I couldn't resist asking Doug if he thought I would 'fit in' with them. While I have my own doubts, Doug was quick to encourage me to believe I would easily blend in with them. In the marketplace I splurged on a silk veil that will no doubt do a fantastic job of working out my upper body & arms, while furthering confidence in my own ability to be graceful. (after just two runs of Dolphina's Veil & Cymbal workout, I know it will change my body!) We also danced to the rhythmic sounds of Tuatha, a band from Fort Collins, and I almost "let myself go". I envied the quiet grace of the wood nymph dressed in fall colored leaves and the furry feet who danced next to us-so confident, graceful and mostly: so comfortable in her own skin.
That's what I want.
I envy those who accept themselves with little, or even no self-judgment. Even as I continue to be encouraged by the (oh-so-slowly) transformation of my own muscles and body, I still fail to be able to look myself squarely in the face and say or even think "You are Beautiful, You are a Goddess!". I continue to dance with Dolphina (via her DVD's) and comfort myself with the thought that it is ok if I am unable to so quickly step into my role as a guiding spirit to other women in discovering their own Inner Goddess. It's when I feel the pressure of 'doing something' or 'being somebody' that I know I need to slow down and reflect on my own inner mysteries; remembering I myself am in the thick of discovering the path to living a life lived in joy. A lifetime of struggles, losses, heartache and a severe lack of self-confidence is no easy thing to overcome! It is easy to say "I want to be confident!" but it is not as easy to live it.
So, I accept who I am right now, I accept my life right now-even as I continue to redefine who I am, who I think I am and who I want to be. Recently, I shared a book by Susan Schachterle and the more time that passes since I read the book, the more a single phrase continues to glow in my mind, like a bright pink neon sign. The saying goes something like this: I care not for what you believe, let me spend a day with you and see how you live.
In my struggle to define what it is that I am here to do, I have come to the conclusion that in order to have hope of finding the life I dream of, I need to focus my energy on those things I enjoy for the simple sake of enjoyment. Surprising, even to me, was the discovery that not only do I enjoy a clean home, when I do so from the place of 'taking inventory' of all I have to be grateful for-I really enjoy the process as well. I'm trying to find that delicate balance of living in a clean home-without feeling as though that is ALL I do! I temporarily forgot how much I enjoy singing, singing as though I already know how for the sheer joy it fills my heart with. For the power it feeds my imagination with, to be transported to a stage where I am surrounded by people who enjoy hearing my voice as much as I enjoy using it. I'm scared to death to sing in front of anyone but Doug, someday I hope to take voice lessons to help encourage my confidence. My hope is that someday, even if only during rituals, I will have the opportunity to use my voice in a powerful way.
There are so many dreams, desires and passions I want to bring to life: music, dance, Animal Communication and of course writing.
Recently I was greeted by Bat from my medicine cards, which thrilled me to no end-the timing was as perfect as it could possibly be. Bat represents Rebirth and talks about Shamanistic Death, or Ritual Death, of a Shaman, Priest or Priestess. Joan Grant describes in great detail her own ritual death during a life in Egypt and also a very similar event in Scarlet Feather. Bat tells me this is the time to let go of old habits, a time to have a ritualistic death of those certain aspects of living my life that no longer suit my new growth patterns.
How delightfully suiting, especially as one of my ideas for my own Samhain ritual will include a symbolic funeral pyre for some of my stronger rooted negative habits. While I realize a symbolic fire won't create an instant change in my life, I also understand that symbolic acts of ritual, when done with intention have the power to start the changes necessary for me to continue on my path of leaving behind the woman I have been in favor of the woman I hope to be.
Deep breath...Baby steps.
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