A rejected 24 storyline involving the White Sox, part 1

January 11, 7:50 PMChicago White Sox ExaminerJJ Stankevitz

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With part one of the four-hour "24" premier airing tonight, I dug up an unused storyline for the new season that's based off the White Sox' offseason. Not surprisingly, it was passed over for another plot involving one guy trying to stop terrorists from detonating another nuke in Los Angeles and/or assassinating another president. Real original, Fox. But since this storyline won't be aired, here's the first half of what you're missing. 

[12:00 AM] Digital clock ticking, making too much noise. What kind of digital clock makes that loud of a beeping sound, anyway? I wouldn't want to own one of those.

Random White Sox blogger, wearing a ratty t-shirt and ripped sweat pants. It's obvious he hasn't showered in weeks, because, you know, he's a blogger: We need a veteran starter if we want to compete. Jeff Marquez? That's your answer, Kenny Williams? [screaming into computer] HE HAD A 4.69 ERA AT TRIPLE-A LAST YEAR! AND JERRY OWENS?! HE CAN'T HIT! THERE'S NO WAY THIS TEAM CAN CONTEND IN 2009! I gotta do something about this. I have to do something. Kenny Williams is a dirty infidel. It's time my band of bloggers and I take drastic action on this situation.

Cut to Kenny Williams' office at U.S. Cellular Field.

Williams: Oh, great. Another stupid rumor from Bruce Levine. Jermaine Dye to the Bulls for Andres Nocioni? He says the deal makes perfect sense because the Bulls need an inside scoring presence, noting that Dye nearly drove in 100 runs last year, and the Sox could use Nocioni, who must be good at baseball because he has a Spanish-sounding name. I guess that still makes more sense than the Michael Young rumor. I'm so done with this. I think I'll go move to fictional African nation and settle in a small, war-torn village. Yeah. That sounds like just the trick.

Williams' secretary: Sir, I have a caller on line one. He didn't give his name.

Williams: DAMMIT! Brian, you have to get their names and their business! See, this is why you hardly play anymore. Okay, send it through.

[Aside] Secretary: God, I hate this place. I wish I could go to a place where my talents were appreciated.

Sox blogger, speaking in a raspy voice as to imply that he poses a threat: Give us what we want.

Williams: Who is this? Is this Jay Mariotti again? Because if it is, no, I'm not going to give you a lock of Jerry Reinsdorf's hair so you can practice voodoo with it.

Sox blogger: Give us another starter and somebody in center who's not Jerry Owens.

[Dramatic music] Williams: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I kill them.

Sox blogger: Fine. But I'm warning you, there will be consequences. [End first hour. Yeah, that somehow took an hour. There were commercial breaks in between, so sit back and blindly accept it.]

-----

[1:00 AM]

Williams is seen sleeping peacefully. This is the entire episode.

------

[2:00 AM]

Williams is still sleeping. And yet, this episode still would have drawn record ratings.

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[3:00 AM]

Williams rolls over, still sleeping. His cat jumps on the bed. Is that a bad omen? Stay tuned.

------

[4:00 AM]

Williams phone goes off to "You're the Best" by Joe 'Bean' Esposito.

Sox blogger: We've captured your fondest possession.

Williams: That's not possible. [rising from bed] He was sleeping right...here.

Cut to shot of a room in Williams' house. The window is open, and a "most pedestrian strikeout rate 2008" trophy is lying on the ground after an apparent struggle.

Williams: DAMMIT! You took him!

Sox blogger: That's right, we have the Jeff Marquez. To get him back, you're going to have to sign or trade for a veteran starting pitcher. Oh, and to add suspense to the situation: you have 20 hours to do so or we'll get Nick Punto to detonate a nuke in Los Angeles.

Williams, dropping phone dramatically: PPPPPPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTTOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

------

[5:00 AM]

Williams goes back to sleep for 30 minutes, gets up, uses the bathroom, takes a shower, and gets dressed. I think the reason why this storyline didn't make it to Fox was that Jack Bauer never does these things.

------

[6:00 AM]

Sox blogger, still in the same clothes he was at 12:00 AM: Well, Jeffrey, looks like we have a little situation on our hands.

Jeff Marquez: What did I do to ever hurt you?

Sox blogger, slapping Marquez: WE SHOULD HAVE GOT MORE FOR SWISHER! RARRGGGHHHH!!!

[Blogger picks up bat, tries to swing it at Marquez, but since all bloggers are unathletic and fat he's unable to do so]

Marquez: Okay, so you don't like me. I don't strike people out. I struggled at AAA last year with the Yankees. But why can't you give me a chance?

Blogger: Because you're a menace to society.

Marquez: Now that doesn't even make any sense.

Blogger: Whatever, the great Punto will be here soon. Then you'll experience real pain.

[Loud digital clock ticking]

Marquez: Why is that freaking clock so loud?

------

[7:00 AM]

Williams: Okay, I gotta find a way to get my Marquez back. Freddy Garcia? Pedro Martinez? Paul Byrd? All these guys won't last longer than the believability of this show.

[On the TV in the background, a SportsCenter anchor passes along a note that the Chicago Bears plan to draft a wide receiver in the 2009 NFL draft]

Williams: See what I mean? Seven hours. Those pitchers won't last more than seven hours, DAMMIT! Alright, it's time I give these clowns what they deserve.

[Grabs AK-47 out of coat closet. I don't know how he legally got the gun, but maybe it's because he's kind of maybe affiliated with some government organization.]

------

[8:00 AM]

[Doorbell rings at the house the blogger and Marquez are at]

Sox blogger: Ah, that must be Punto. I really hate that guy, but He's the only person who can help me right now.

Punto, weakly hitting his way through the door: You were too slow, so I broke in. Hope you don't mind.

Sox blogger: [aside] Seriously, this guy is annoying.

Okay, Punto, here's the deal: I need the White Sox to sign a veteran starter before midnight to fulfill all my hopes and dreams. If they don't, then I need you to detonate this nuclear bomb in Los Angeles.

Punto: Why does it look like a Shamwow?

Shamwow! spokesman: Because it's BOTH a nuke AND a super towel!

Punto: Okay, so what's in it for me?

Sox blogger: A DVD of the greatest infield singles of all time.

Punto, looking very excited: Deal.

------

[9:00 AM]

Cut to Williams running down a random street with his AK-47.

Williams, with sweat dripping from his brow: DAMMIT, no luck finding my Marquez yet. And I still need somebody to find that dangerous Punto. I'm guess I'm going to have to call my inside agent for help. It's going to be awkward, though, because I broke ties with him in November. I hope he's not too mad...

[Dials cell phone. It's picked up by the party on the other line.]

Inside agent: Buenos dias, este es Carros Buenos de Juanie, donde nosotros vendemos carros para precios profundos!

Williams: Oh, you gotta be kidding me, Uribe. You can't find work in the majors, so you're selling cars now?

Uribe, in extremely-hard-to-understand English: This is the only way I can feed my three children. Juan Luis, Juanny, and Juanie Jr. I got a lotta happy in me, but not enough to feed them every day.

Williams: Okay, well I got some work for you. While I'm looking for my lost Marquez, can you go and eliminate Punto for me?

Uribe: Pero...pero...

Williams: Do the job and I'll give you a shiny non-guaranteed contract.

Uribe: ¡Profúndo! I'm on it!

------

[10:00 AM]

Sox blogger, on the phone with Williams: I still haven't heard from you, Kenny. I'm starting to think you've lost a step.

Williams: Oh, I've only lost a step because I'm carrying so much ammunition. How else am I going to last for the next 14 hours?

Sox blogger, holding phone up to a struggling Marquez: I think your prized possession has something to say to you.

Marquez: Kenny! You gotta get me outta here! He's threatening to make me watch Bangkok Dangerous!

Williams: DAMMIT! I will find you, you scummy blogger. I will not stand for my Marquez to be tortured.

Sox blogger: Then give in to my demands. Give money to Freddy Garcia!

Williams, visibly angry: I WILL NEVER DO THAT!

------

[11:00 AM]

Punto is at the Minneapolis airport.

Security guard: Sir, please place your bag on the conveyor belt so we can x-ray it.

Punto: Certainly. [Places bag on x-ray belt]

X-ray checker: Nothing in here except a Shamwow. Enjoy your flight!

Punto, with an evil expression on his face: Good. The plan is now in action.

Security guard: Um, what plan?

Punto: Don't concern yourself with it. There is absolutely, positively nothing suspicious about this plan that I'm not going to describe to you.

Security guard: Fair enough. Enjoy Los Angeles!

In the background, Uribe is seen helping children color in their coloring books. He's a pro at this—it was listed as his "community service" in the White Sox 2007 media guide. I'm not kidding.

Uribe (alternating between English and Spanish): ¡Profúndo! Now your gato Oscar is azul!

He sees Punto hustle by.

Uribe: Este es my clue to leave. Enjoy Oscar the blue cat, chicos!

Uribe gets up in classic Uribe fashion and boards the same plane Punto does. His cell phone rings to the sound of "867-5309" by Tommy Tutone.

Uribe, chuckling at the fact the number calling him is not 867-5309: Hola.

Williams: Are you with Punto?

Uribe: Estoy en the same jet.

Williams: Good. When you land in Los Angeles, you need to stop Punto from detonating the nuke.

Uribe, loudly: Good Tebow! Punto has a nuke?!

Steward: OH MY GOD THERE'S A NUKE ON THIS PLANE! EVERYBODY PLEASE EXIT SO WE CAN CHECK YOUR BAGS AND FIND OUT WHO IS IN POSSESSION OF THE BOMB!

Punto, rising to his feet so he can barely see over the seat in front of him: Oh, we're not going anywhere. I was going to fly peacefully, but now, this is a hijacking. Pilot! Fly to Los Angeles!

Steward: Better do what he says, sir. If he gets any angrier, he might get an extra-base hit.

[Plane takes off with ominous music playing]

Suspense! Bloggers! Marquez! PUNTO! Check back tomorrow for the thrilling second half of this misguided attempt at a "24" spoof!